How to be an utter bellend in a white van

IF you’ve got a Ford Transit and a bad attitude, you probably want to assert your authority over other road users. Here’s how to go about it.

Get the look

The classic white van man look is a t-shirt or polo shirt straining at the gut and a shaved head, but don’t worry about the details. The main thing is always looking as if you’re about to kick the shit out of someone or have a coronary.

Get the language

Have an arsenal of obscenities ready for frequent use. ‘Fuck’, ‘bastard’, ‘wanker’ and the C-word are all excellent. Don’t go getting all creative and shout “You vacillating illegitimate simpleton!”. It will just get lost in the noise of the traffic.

Remember to swear at everything – not just bad drivers or dozy pedestrians, but also grannies taking too long on a zebra crossing and pigeons.

Get the driving style

Much as Formula 1 drivers know how to follow the racing line, white van drivers have their own special set of driving skills, including:

● How to drive right up people’s arses without actually crashing into them, hopefully;

● Matching people’s speeds so they can’t get out of their lane;

● Following someone for miles after a minor driving infraction in a threatening and probably illegal way.

Get the body language

Even on a stress-free journey in light traffic it’s important to have a permanent scowl and gesticulate angrily all the time, even if the only thing annoying you is finishing off your Twix.

Get the fame

Appear in national media by psychotically threatening another driver or a cyclist. It’s like being the star of your own movie, but with dash cam footage on the Daily Mail website.

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Mum using ball pit to inoculate child against all known diseases

A WOMAN decided to make her child play in a ball pit because it was the best place for her to catch a little bit of every disease in the world.

Responsible mum Nikki Hollis felt that maximum exposure to the pit would ultimately offer her daughter Emily the best protection against diseases ranging from the common cold to Ebola.

Hollis said: “Ball pits are stuffed with small children who can’t control their bodily functions and therefore full of poo, wee, snot, vomit and every other human excretion you can think of.

“They’re also impossible to clean, so each ball must be covered with several trillion strains of bacteria. If there’s ever a new outbreak of cholera, I guarantee its source will be a well-attended soft play centre.

“So I decided to follow the basic principle of inoculation by chucking Emily in and exposing her to a little bit of each hideous germ. It took several hours for her to lick every ball in the pit but we got there eventually.

“I’m a bit concerned now that she might turn into some kind of genetically mutated X-Men villain but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”