Personalised number plates only 100% effective way to identify twats

A PERSONALISED number plate is the only sure-fire way to identify a twat, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that vanity plates always indicated twats, due to costing a bomb yet barely resembling a person’s name or actual word, for example, ‘ST3V36’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Personalised number plates are basically sending out the message ‘Look at me, I can drive a car and I have money to waste’.

“As such, we in the scientific community agree that while not all twats have personalised number plates, if you do have a personalised number plate you are definitely a twat.

“Spending on these stupid things has increased in recent years, which we believe may be related to vodka with bits of gold in it and stag parties in Las Vegas. More research is needed.”

Recruitment consultant Tom Logan said: “I bought myself a personalised plate to celebrate shafting someone at work. Mine says LO537, which is my nickname that no one actually calls me yet, ‘Loge T’.

“And no, it doesn’t look like ‘Loser’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

People who post 'going' on Facebook events then don't to face prison

PEOPLE who claim they are going to Facebook events then do not are scum who should face stiff penalties, it has been decided.

After millions of non-attendances, event organisers have decided tough action is needed against people who leave birthday parties and gigs embarrassingly poorly attended.

Facebook user Martin Bishop said: “Bastards who don’t show up are causing birthday parties to forfeit an entire first floor reservation in favour of a single table by the toilets.

“I myself have attended events where none of my proper friends turned up and I had to make painful small talk with strangers or stand on my own for long periods like a pathetic loser.

“This is just the tip of the iceberg. We need to come down hard on these fake going-ers. A modest prison sentence – say, three years – should definitely improve attendances.

“And after being stuck in a cell for 23 hours a day they’ll be gagging to go to even the shittest school reunion or local music festival.”

Frequent non-attender Nathan Muir said: “It’s weird. I hit the ‘going’ button, but when the time comes I just can’t be arsed. However I’m there in spirit, by which I mean ‘on the sofa’.”