The Tory MP's guide to being an incredible prick

ARE you a Tory MP who thinks it’s a jolly jape to spout offensive rubbish and generally be an embarrassment? Here’s how to go about it.

Mention the war until it becomes abnormal

Tory MP Mark Francois apparently won’t submit to “bullying by any German”, like his father in WW2. Definitely keep mentioning the war until you sound actually mad, like someone who won’t eat at Cafe Rouge because of the bastard Normans.

Be a sociopath

Stab your allies – and your boss – in the back, or simply show fuck all interest in anything that is not your career. You’re on the right track if you make Patrick Bateman out of American Psycho look like an essentially decent guy with a few issues.

Be fucking irresponsible

This week Jacob Rees-Mogg decided to stir up the already disastrous Brexit negotiations by saying Britain should sabotage the EU. He’s a Tory, the party of personal and financial responsibility and… oh, wait.

Turn out to be very, very strange

There’s a long history of oddball MPs like Ann Widdecombe, who the media love but who in reality are pretty weird. But with party discipline at rock bottom, now’s your chance to push for your bizarre plan to make the unemployed wear electric shock collars and pick up litter.

Exploit the Brexiters for all they’re worth

Further your career with Brexit, knowing you’ll suffer no real financial harm. Then if it does go tits up, rub the electorate’s nose in it by making a fortune from TV appearances, including having a super time earning £70k for appearing on Channel 5’s Celebrity Can You Build a Log Cabin?.

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Huge rise in feeling like shit

MOST of the UK population feels like shit, it has emerged.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 64 per cent of Britons currently feel like shit, with an additional 16 per cent feeling ‘pretty shit’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who feel ok are such a small minority that they’re practically freaks.

“If everyone felt fine, there would be virtually no fuck-ups. Trains would run on time, newspapers would be free of spelling mistakes and even ITV2 would be quite good.

“Saying that, I must admit I feel pretty shit today. Had a few drinks last night then stayed up and watched two-thirds of a detective film with Michael Douglas in it.”

Professor Brubaker believes an unrealistic attitude to midweek drinking is the main cause of feeling like shit.

“People think it’s possible to have four or five pints on a week night and feel alright the following day. It’s a behaviour learned during their student years, when they didn’t have to get up until 3pm and then only to watch game shows.”

He added: “More people feel like shit now than in the Middle Ages, when we slept on straw and were regularly attacked by marauders.”

Sales administrator Julian Cook said: “I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of coming down with mumps. Also everything always looks a bit blurry around the edges.

“I’m so very tired.”