How to never stick to any of your brilliant new plans

WHETHER you’re going on a diet, taking up a new sport or just trying to wake up earlier, here’s your foolproof guide to not sticking to any of it.

Bore everyone to death talking about it

Tell anyone who will listen about the transformative effects of cold-water swimming until you see pain in their eyes. They’ll be so terrified of you mentioning it again you won’t have to explain why you gave up after two weeks.

Blame someone else

Despite spending a grand on all the equipment for triathlons and then deciding it’s not for you, it’s not your fault. It was having the wrong coach, an unsupportive partner, demanding children, and so on. Definitely not that it was a really stupid idea in the first place for a lazy fucker like you.

Keep taking up other things

You’re batch cooking, you’ve started doing calisthenics, you’re reading a book a week, you’re vegan – you’re doing so many things who knows what you’ve started and what you’ve given up? If you suddenly realise you’re wearing snowboarding boots in a yoga class it’s a good sign that you’ve bailed on something else.

Take up meditation

Meditation is perfect for guilt-free giving up. No one can meditate more than a few times, not even monks, who only wear robes to hide their iPads. You can literally start, give it up and say you used to do it all in a day – while still sounding deep and spiritual.

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May sparks up massive spliff and puts on Buffy box set from start

HAVING secured an extra six months to sort out Brexit, Theresa May is celebrating with a big spliff and a proper rewatch of Buffy.

The prime minister was due to speak to the Commons but has decided there will be plenty of time for that next week or whenever, and that right now she is due some ‘me’ time.

Drawing heavily on her joint, May said: “Six months is shitloads. And it’s six-and-a-bit months, so the rest of April is basically a bonus.

“I’ve been meaning to do Buffy properly for ages – I catch the occasional repeat on TV, but you miss the way it develops when you don’t watch it in order – and it just feels like today’s the moment.

“The weed just helps me concentrate and get into it. Focus. It doesn’t demotivate me or make me forgetful or any of that nonsense. I’ll be fine.

“Yeah, so I’ll burn through season one by the weekend because honestly it’s not great but after that I’ll really let myself absorb it.”

May added: “Oh shit, I almost forgot I have to watch Angel as well, from season four. Still, plenty of time.”