How to be the total psycho in your flatshare

ARE you a complete nutcase living in shared accommodation who likes to save the surprise of your mental state until new tenants have moved in? Here’s how: 

Follow secret rules

Have a long list of very specific ways of living in the flat which is kept secret from other tenants. Then launch into a petrifying purple-faced bollocking of your hapless housemate for some heinous crime like leaving their running shoes by the front door.

Have a Jekyll and Hyde personality

Most flatmates can cope with someone who’s a bit of a knobhead but consistent. Instead keep them in a constant state of hypertension by baking cookies for them on Wednesday, then transforming into a pop-eyed lunatic when they leave mugs in the sink on Thursday.

Maintain double standards

When a flatmate comes home drunk and trips over the doormat, give them a serious guilt trip about the pressures of your job. However if five of your weird friends stay for a week playing an epic game of Warhammer until 2am every night, obviously that’s fine.

Have a disturbing hobby

Perhaps you enjoy preparing and cooking roadkill, ie flattened pheasants and rabbits with their heads bashed in, in the shared kitchen? Or collecting news clippings about Lorraine Kelly then discussing them at length? Or simply growing marijuana? There is no need anyone to know about this before they sign the tenancy agreement.

Have no filters

Give the impression you’ve been raised by robots rather than humans by saying things like: ‘I expect your acne problem means you have difficulty meeting women, Steve’ or ‘I was just wondering, Gemma, does your obesity affect your periods?’

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Wine connoisseurs 'missing entire point of wine'

SO-CALLED wine experts are misleading the public about the basic function of wine, critics have claimed. 

Wine connoisseurs have monopolised discussion of wine, focusing on bouquet, provenance, finish and what fish it goes with but never mentioning how pissed it gets you.

Tom Logan, of the newly formed Real World Wines society, said: “You see these people on TV or whatever and you think, what are you on? Because it doesn’t seem to be wine.

“You don’t inhale wine through the nose. You don’t roll it around your mouth. You drink it, then you get another glass poured rapid before your partner gets to the bottle.

“You wouldn’t gargle wine any more than you’d gargle a mouthful of petrol to check its refinement before spitting it in a bucket. It goes in the tank. It’s a fuel. Like wine’s a fuel. To get you through life.

“Then all this nonsense about wine selection. That might be okay for Sir Hartley Poncingface-Cravat with his extensive cellars. For the rest of us, it’s what’s an offer at Sainsbury’s, or in a bad month, Lidl.

“Otherwise, four simple words of recommendation put all wine experts out of a job: Will. Get. You. Shitfaced.”