SATURDAY mornings are precious oases in an otherwise cruel world. Here’s how you waste this sacred time each and every week.
Do a park run
What could be a better start to the weekend than a swift 5k run on a Saturday morning? Answer: anything. After five minutes of shuffling your way around the park you’ll develop a stitch and need to keel over on the ground to be sick. Look forward to your body being seized up until you’re back at work on Monday morning. At least you got an Egg and Cheese McMuffin on the way home.
Be hungover
Celebrating the end of the working week by getting shitfaced seemed like a good idea last night, but in the cruel light of Saturday morning you’ll wish you were dead. You could be tucked up in bed watching TV, yet here you are, hunched over the toilet and begging for the room to stop spinning. Look forward to making this same mistake every week until your liver packs in.
Host a kids’ sleepover
One of the many downsides of having kids is that at some point they will want to invite friends round for a sleepover. During the week it’s all you can do to get them up in time for school, but come the weekend they’ll be up at six, loudly making breakfast, playing Call of Duty at max volume and asking for a lift into town. Will other parents offer to return the favour and give you some peace? No.
Visit a car boot sale
If you want to snap up some second-hand junk that isn’t completely useless you need to get to a car boot sale at the crack of dawn. After hours of browsing you’ll realise there’s nothing decent on offer, but you can’t come home empty-handed so you’ll buy a fiver’s worth of random shit. All of which you’ll attempt to flog at a car boot sale in a few weeks because you’re desperate and skint.
Do the big shop
Saturday morning is the best time of the week to do the big shop, right? Surely you’ll be the only tragic bastard pushing a trolley around? Guess again. The aisles will be filled with shuffling hordes of coffin dodgers who stagger through the doors as soon as they open. They’re slow, they’ll get in your way, and once you’ve finished queuing behind them it’ll be past lunchtime. Order everything online next time like a normal person.
