Good-looking but unaware of it: The contradictory boyfriend requirements of women

EVER feel women have impossible standards for boyfriends? You’re right. Here are some of their contradictory requirements that mean there’s zero chance of a shag.

Must be good-looking but in no way vain

Many women want a guy with conventional good looks (think: young Hayden Christensen) but who isn’t obsessed with clothes/moisturisers/his hair. Also he should not be aware that he can easily sleep around. Luckily the world is brimming with extremely good-looking men who’ve never encountered a reflective surface.

Must combine spontaneity and meticulous planning

For example: you should suggest a crazy, spur-of-the-moment weekend away, but also like planning holidays with Wehrmacht-style thoroughness so that literally nothing can go wrong. It’s such a contradictory mindset that if you tried to program a robot this way its brain circuits would catch fire and explode.

Must be amazing in bed but without a string of hot exes

Your partner’s exes can be a psychological pain in the arse. You particularly don’t like the thought of them having more fun together or much better sex. Therefore the perfect boyfriend should have no sexual history at all yet somehow be really good at sex, which is eerily similar to being a brand new ‘pleasure model’ replicant.

Must be hard but not get into fights

The ideal boyfriend needs to be harmless 99.9% of the time yet able to intimidate other men in a dodgy situation or to protect you. Unfortunately there’s a reason why some men are good at fighting: they practise a lot. If you go out with one prepare yourself for a thrilling rollercoaster ride of tense nightclub and kebab shop stand-offs.

Must be successful but not off-puttingly ambitious

Granted, careerist twats who say things like ‘failure isn’t in my vocabulary’ should be ground up in an industrial mincer. However there is a causal link – high-flyers are frequently massively into their tedious jobs. So as a man all you need to do is find a career combining a high salary with gentleness and humility. Have you tried applying for Archbishop of Canterbury?

Must have a great sense of humour within rigid parameters

Boyfriends should be able to deploy a range of humour from devastating wit to genuine belly laughs. But joking all the time is unattractive, and acting the clown is obviously out. Also beware of telling bad taste jokes that might offend your girlfriend in some obscure way. Fortunately your boyfriend mind reading skills should prevent that happening.

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How rising prices are making your singleton's shopping basket even bleaker

AS if being alone wasn’t bleak enough, the cost of living crisis is making your single person’s shopping basket look even sadder with these items:

Half bottle of wine

You can see the pity on the cashier’s face as he looks at the tiny bottle of cheap white wine and realises you can’t even afford to get properly pissed anymore. And, ultimately, it wasn’t the frugal act you believed it to be, as it tasted of Um Bongo and bleach and you ended up pouring it down the sink.

Two rolls of cheap toilet paper

Nothing screams ‘I live alone!’ like buying a minimal amount of toilet paper, but what’s worse is that you can’t even afford the self-care your bum deserves anymore in the form of the high-quality quilted stuff. At least you haven’t yet resorted to newspaper, like your weird Uncle Roy did during lockdown.

Store-brand condoms

Not even a cost of living crisis can curb your dreams of not being single forever, despite the fact that the current state of your love life puts condoms in the ‘luxuries’ rather than ‘necessities’ column of your household finances sheet. You still decant them into a Durex box when you get home, though, as hope springs eternal within you.

Discount microwave meal

Somehow, an ultra-processed microwaveable meal has remained in the supermarket long enough to approach its best before date, which you snaffle for yourself after intimidating an old lady who was also hovering around. It will be disgusting, but it’s cheap, and you’d welcome a few days off work if you do end up contracting salmonella.

A cookbook of cheap meals for one

You think you’ve cracked the system by purchasing a recipe book that will help you cook budget-friendly, delicious meals. However, due to the hundreds of frozen pizzas you’ve bought from this very Tesco Metro over the years, both you and the cashier know you can’t cook. All you’ve done is spunked £9.99 up the wall. Bravo.