How to console someone earning over £150,000

BRITAIN’S top earners have been devastated by the government’s craven U-turn on the 45p tax rate. Comfort them with these words: 

Remind them of the average UK salary

High-earners, after everything they’ve done for us, are bound to feel hard done by today. Make them crack a tearful smile by pointing out the average salary is less than a quarter of their annual income. The knowledge that retail workers, graduates and whole regions of Britain make nothing will restore their innate sense of superiority.

Show them the pound’s recovered

Sleeping on a glittering hoard of coins like Smaug is less fun when they’re approaching parity with the dollar, so the recovery of the pound after last week’s tanking is sure to raise spirits. And trickle-down economics means they’re duty-bound to buy themselves anything they want. See? It’s not all doom and gloom.

Benefits are being cut

Every cloud has a silver lining, and the refusal to raise benefits in line with inflation coupled with massive cuts must be of some solace. While you may not be getting richer everyone else is getting poorer and that’s almost the same.

At least you’ve got your health

During desperate times, such as when your immense income won’t go quite as far as it used to but it’s still a f**king fortune, it’s good to be reminded that you’ve still got your health and won’t have to rely on the underfunded and overstretched NHS to preserve it. It’s a straw to clutch in these troubled times.

Show them your last pay cheque

Laughter is the best medicine, and nothing makes the rich cackle more than the pathetic pay-packets of the poor. Show a top percentile earner the pittance you earned last month and they’ll be reduced to fits of the giggles. Then point out that’s before tax and you’re paying the same VAT. They’ll feel better in no time.

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Warhammer community in mourning as one of their own gets girlfriend

A TOWN’S Warhammer community has been plunged into mourning following news that one of their members is in a relationship. 

Enthusiasts for wargaming and miniature-painting in Middlesbrough held two minutes silence before Sunday’s game after learning that devout attendee Jack Browne would not be attending because he preferred to be with a girl.

Friend Oliver O’Connor said: “I’m still in shock, honestly. What woman can compare to an evening playing Kill Team with a full squad of lovingly detailed Imperial Navy Breachers?

“I can believe in Kataphron Battle Servitors because their lore is deep and richly detailed, but that a women out there would want to be in the vicinity of Jack’s genitalia is beyond even my comprehension.

“What of the eternal struggle against the Aeldari and their attempts to resurrect a dead god by uniting the Infinity Circuits? Has he abandoned all that for grubby gropings with a mere human female? And what is it like and will he tell us?”

Browne said: “At first I suspected she was a spy for a rival Warhammer group in Stockton, attempting to find out how we plan to defeat Archaon the Everchosen and his forces of Chaos before the regional championships in Hull.

“But it’s worse than that. Zoey has made me realise playing tiny dolls with losers was a tragic waste of my life.”