BRITAIN should be grey and wet to the touch, but sometimes, against all logic, it isn’t. Here’s how to cope with the wrong weather:
Keep your clothes on
If you live in Sicily, or Jamaica, or California, you’re undressed frequently and have the sun-kissed Instagram body typical of such locales. If your body is geared towards warmth and waterproofing you have the body of a white whale and should never reveal it to anyone.
Baste yourself with sunscreen
Like a blind cave-dwelling troglodyte, the sun is your enemy. Mere minutes of exposure will turn your skin red before it bursts like a sausage in the microwave. Apply sunscreen as vigilantly as a cross-channel swimmer rubs on the goose fat.
You’re not an olive-skinned Mediterranean consuming a lamb salad under a shady tree. Nor are you a black family having a cookout in the LA sun. You are a potato-skinned Caucasian deciding to spend an already broiling day clustered around a heat source trying not to pass out.
As a British person, your initial response to anything unfamiliar is to immediately consume as much alcohol as possible. However if you greet the sun this way, lapsing into unconsciousness on the lawn and waking up with horrendous burns, you will regret it.
Wear a hat
The only British person who can pull off a hat is the Queen, so expect to look almost rurally idiotic. However, the plus side is that you won’t get sunstroke and potentially die, so dig out that Panama and pop it on.