May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged. 

May, who has been replaced by Boris Johnson in one of the most profound insults ever delivered to a person, plans to reject society and all its conventions in the only way she knows how.

Farmers have been warned to stay out of their fields in a corridor beginning in central London and ending in the region of Thetford with full compensation promised for any damage caused.

A Downing Street source said: “She’s going to go to Buckingham Palace, hand in her notice, and then go absolutely balls-out apesh*t crazy on a wheatfield.

“Running, tearing, stamping, chewing it up and spitting it out, rolling in it while calling it a treacherous lying whore, the lot. No holds barred. That wheat is getting f**ked up.

“Then she starts running, tearing up handfuls as she goes, a trail of flame left behind her by the sheer white-hot force of her rage. We estimate speeds of up to 25mph.

“The path of devastation should peter out around the Norfolk area where she’ll come to her senses in a burning, blackened field, ash raining down. Then she’ll write her memoirs like a good little Tory.”

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Johnson sells Britain to Peruvian drug lord

BRITAIN belongs to a Peruvian drug lord after an ‘accident’ by Boris Johnson.

Officials confirmed that shortly after taking office, the prime minister answered the door to a ‘salesmen’ who claimed he had an appointment.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The chap had a Powerpoint presentation and some pamphlets and basically the upshot is by next week we all have to speak Spanish and hand over all the food in our cupboards.

“Boris seems very pleased with the briefcase full of odd-looking currency they left him, despite the fact the notes spell ’50’ wrong.”

It is not known if Britain’s new owner wants to keep the country intact before selling it on, or break it down for parts.

Meanwhile, a friend if Johnson added: “We’re keeping him occupied by pretending we need his help to beat up a journalist. He likes that.”