May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged. 

May, who has been replaced by Boris Johnson in one of the most profound insults ever delivered to a person, plans to reject society and all its conventions in the only way she knows how.

Farmers have been warned to stay out of their fields in a corridor beginning in central London and ending in the region of Thetford with full compensation promised for any damage caused.

A Downing Street source said: “She’s going to go to Buckingham Palace, hand in her notice, and then go absolutely balls-out apesh*t crazy on a wheatfield.

“Running, tearing, stamping, chewing it up and spitting it out, rolling in it while calling it a treacherous lying whore, the lot. No holds barred. That wheat is getting f**ked up.

“Then she starts running, tearing up handfuls as she goes, a trail of flame left behind her by the sheer white-hot force of her rage. We estimate speeds of up to 25mph.

“The path of devastation should peter out around the Norfolk area where she’ll come to her senses in a burning, blackened field, ash raining down. Then she’ll write her memoirs like a good little Tory.”