What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them? 

3pm: Meet Queen. Quip through questions about ability to form a stable government. Wait for laugh. Realise, puzzled, that laugh is not coming.

4pm: Make savage love to girlfriend, or other available party, from behind in Downing Street bedroom while calling her ‘Maggie’ and a ‘dirty iron bitch’.

4.20pm: Wonder idly if it’s even worth carrying on now that’s over and done with. Do so out of boredom.

5pm: Downing Street press conference. Lie to public for first time as PM. Should feel special but doesn’t.

6.30pm: Receive text from President Trump. Reads, in entirety: ‘Are you watching Fox News right now! Mentioned you + me!’

8pm: Begin to decide cabinet. Pretend you already knew there were more than four jobs and that only MPs are eligible. Get bored, go to toilet, don’t come back.

10.45pm: Make love to girlfriend (?) again, calling her Maggie again, disappointing.

11pm-9am: Sleep like lovely untroubled baby.

9.30am: Slowly wake. Further text from President Trump: ‘Muslims have taken over Chelsea! No-go area for Whites! On Fox News’.

10am: Girlfriend/other makes love to me from behind in Downing Street bedroom, calling me Maggie. Thrill gone.

12pm: Realise it’s all been a terrible mistake. Vow to take it out on electorate.

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Johnson to try it on with the Queen

BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed. 

Johnson will be asked by the monarch to form a government but is expected to take a run at the ‘world’s poshest totty’.

He said: “Yes, she’s not as young as she used to be but if it moves and it’s got a cut-glass accent, I’ll nail it.

“I’ll do the clown act, then hit her with lingering eye contact and a classy line like, ‘I bet more chaps have spaffed over you than Helen of Troy’.”

Historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “A statute dating back to Queen Elizabeth I’s time allows the monarch to have her lovers put to death.

“After they’ve been tortured a bit and had their severed testicles fed to the ravens at the Tower of London.”