BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed. 

Johnson will be asked by the monarch to form a government but is expected to take a run at the ‘world’s poshest totty’.

He said: “Yes, she’s not as young as she used to be but if it moves and it’s got a cut-glass accent, I’ll nail it.

“I’ll do the clown act, then hit her with lingering eye contact and a classy line like, ‘I bet more chaps have spaffed over you than Helen of Troy’.”

Historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “A statute dating back to Queen Elizabeth I’s time allows the monarch to have her lovers put to death.

“After they’ve been tortured a bit and had their severed testicles fed to the ravens at the Tower of London.”