BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?
3pm: Meet Queen. Quip through questions about ability to form a stable government. Wait for laugh. Realise, puzzled, that laugh is not coming.
4pm: Make savage love to girlfriend, or other available party, from behind in Downing Street bedroom while calling her ‘Maggie’ and a ‘dirty iron bitch’.
4.20pm: Wonder idly if it’s even worth carrying on now that’s over and done with. Do so out of boredom.
5pm: Downing Street press conference. Lie to public for first time as PM. Should feel special but doesn’t.
6.30pm: Receive text from President Trump. Reads, in entirety: ‘Are you watching Fox News right now! Mentioned you + me!’
8pm: Begin to decide cabinet. Pretend you already knew there were more than four jobs and that only MPs are eligible. Get bored, go to toilet, don’t come back.
10.45pm: Make love to girlfriend (?) again, calling her Maggie again, disappointing.
11pm-9am: Sleep like lovely untroubled baby.
9.30am: Slowly wake. Further text from President Trump: ‘Muslims have taken over Chelsea! No-go area for Whites! On Fox News’.
10am: Girlfriend/other makes love to me from behind in Downing Street bedroom, calling me Maggie. Thrill gone.
12pm: Realise it’s all been a terrible mistake. Vow to take it out on electorate.