Wednesday, 19th February 2020

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them? 

3pm: Meet Queen. Quip through questions about ability to form a stable government. Wait for laugh. Realise, puzzled, that laugh is not coming.

4pm: Make savage love to girlfriend, or other available party, from behind in Downing Street bedroom while calling her ‘Maggie’ and a ‘dirty iron bitch’.

4.20pm: Wonder idly if it’s even worth carrying on now that’s over and done with. Do so out of boredom.

5pm: Downing Street press conference. Lie to public for first time as PM. Should feel special but doesn’t.

6.30pm: Receive text from President Trump. Reads, in entirety: ‘Are you watching Fox News right now! Mentioned you + me!’

8pm: Begin to decide cabinet. Pretend you already knew there were more than four jobs and that only MPs are eligible. Get bored, go to toilet, don’t come back.

10.45pm: Make love to girlfriend (?) again, calling her Maggie again, disappointing.

11pm-9am: Sleep like lovely untroubled baby.

9.30am: Slowly wake. Further text from President Trump: ‘Muslims have taken over Chelsea! No-go area for Whites! On Fox News’.

10am: Girlfriend/other makes love to me from behind in Downing Street bedroom, calling me Maggie. Thrill gone.

12pm: Realise it’s all been a terrible mistake. Vow to take it out on electorate.