Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

The former work and pensions secretary will also take charge of Long Creepy Fingers, Deep Dark Forests and Spiders.

He said: “As well as my lovely smile, I want to bring my own approach to this job. So it will not be about creeping up behind you and then shouting ‘boo!’.

“I want to creep up behind you and then say something very quietly, such as ‘I know where you live’ or ‘You’ve been very naughty’.

“It’s much, much more unnerving and that’s what Britain needs in this time of uncertainty.”

He added: “I also want to create more life chances for people with long creepy fingers. I want every child to spend some time alone in a deep, dark forest and I want to put a massive, terrifying spider in every home.”

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My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless, do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain. 

The Queen said: “Bloody Andrew could do better, and the only thoughts in his head are helicopters, golf and tits.

“Jesus, I mean Charles chats to potatoes and married his horse but he’s not stupid enough to think he’d win a popularity contest. Neither am I. That’s why I don’t hold them.

“I wouldn’t trust you to beat Edward in a game of It’s A Royal fucking Knockout. That’s how useless you are. That’s actually past your level.”

The Queen added: “Off you fuck.”