Sunday, 9th May 2021

How to f**k up your kids by teaching them to expect nothing for free

DO you think children should work for their pocket money and do endless part-time jobs for pennies? Here’s how to make them ‘independent’, or maybe ‘psychologically scarred’. 

Give them a punishing schedule

Not just things you can’t be arsed to do like washing the car – kids can get proper employment from the age of 13 if it’s stuff like delivering papers. If they’re staggering from exhaustion after a week of walking poo-filled dogs and delivering moronic local magazines, you’re an excellent parent.

Clearly be doing it for your own benefit

Your main motivation is sounding off about being a no-nonsense parent down the pub. You might even make it into the Daily Mail as an upholder of British values, in which case your child can have a delightful morning of scrubbing the cooker then get twatted at school for their efforts.

Inadvertently turn them into sociopaths

Endless chores for Third World wages and their own dad acting as gangmaster will soon teach kids that life is about ruthless exploitation and screwing over the other guy first. When they’re in prison 20 years later for defrauding grannies, reconsider the wisdom of making them clean out the gutters for £1.50.

Know the law

To find out how much labour you can extract from them. Did you know they can do 25 hours a week in school holidays? If you really want to teach your kids about the Real World, search out crappy part-time jobs for them then take a cut of their wages as your ‘recruitment agency’ fee.

Get carried away with ‘nothing for free’

As a parent, you have to spend at least some money on your kids. If they’re drawing Nike ticks on their bare feet because they can’t afford trainers AND food on their baby-sitting wages, you may have gone a little too far.