Who knew marrying for money could backfire this badly, by Melania Trump

I THOUGHT it would be easy. Marry rich bloated pig man, have quiet life as scowling clothes hanger, wait to outlive him, then have a lovely time as wizened twiglet in killer heels.

Instead he became leader of the free world, which means everyone on earth knows I have sex with imbecilic squint-eyed pumpkin. And to make it worse, he now seems to be impervious to illness. Even the Covid found him repulsive.

Financially it’s embarrassing. He pays less tax than the plumber husbands of my former friends back in Slovenia, so they are phoning up asking if I need them to post me some five Euro notes in an envelope. I tell them we are fine, we have gold toilet, Donald just selfish terrible human.

Everyone’s husband occasionally says something foolish at parties but this ‘my daughter has the best body’: is this an American thing? I keep my mouth smiling but my eyes say, ‘why did I get involved with this crazy family and why does horrid Ivanka get to go on Air Force One more than me?’.

I suppose it’s good he has his Twitter to play with, because it gives me time to work out how many of these Egyptian cotton sheets it would take for me to tie together and then abseil down the wall of the White House.

Why else do you think I got rid of those spiky rose bushes? I’m preparing an emergency exit in case he wins. Or loses. Whatever happens, I have had enough being First Lady. Gold toilet can go to hell.

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The Tory guide to nasty policies you secretly know voters like

ARE you baffled by how the government can keep getting away with nasty, mean-spirited behaviour? Here Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains how it works.

We’re not trying to appeal to nice people like you

You probably think everyone is appalled by the school meals saga. Nope. Tory voters often quite like benefits claimants suffering. It’s lucky for us there are people whose take-home message from Oliver Twist was ‘Don’t be so greedy, you little shit’.

We have a large PR department known as ‘the British press’

Are you starting to think our handling of Covid is dangerous and possibly corrupt? Fortunately the bulk of Britain’s free press is ready to print Tory propaganda. I particularly enjoy the bonkers Telegraph ones, eg. ‘Why not going to Pret at lunchtime is a mental health crisis waiting to happen.’

Our not-so-secret weapon: Brexit

I’m not naive enough to think every Brexiter loves our fat wastrel of a leader, Boris Johnson. But they’ll put up with anything for Brexit. Never mind privatising the NHS, we could start executing doctors and nurses they’d go through some mental contortion like: ‘Who needs ‘em? Everyone knows most people get better on their own.’

Asylum seekers

We always get grief for cruel asylum policies, but guess what? I LOVE THESE GUYS! A few Syrians in Dover and suddenly half the UK’s going mad. Who’s getting their votes? Not Keir, that’s for sure. I’m tempted to buy a load of inflatable dinghies and stash them in bushes around Calais.

A lot of our voters are nuts 

Where to start, really? The grassroots party members obsessed with golliwogs, the Red Wall voters with a death wish, creepy fans of hanging… I’m pretty sure we could nuke Wales and these loons would be up for it, even if they live there.