WHEN pornography raises its ugly head in conversation feigning total ignorance is unconvincing, but you should imply you never lower yourself to masturbation. Here’s how:
Adopt a nonplussed expression
When Jenna Jameson comes up, seem vaguely confused as if trying to place her. Was she in the RSC production of Antigone? A non-verbal lie but it’s the safest option, even if last night you were on a retro pornographic odyssey that merited its own Christopher Nolan film.
Say ‘I’ve just never really felt the need’
Suggesting your sex life is so vibrant and fulfilling that self-abuse was left behind years ago. Implausible, relies on your never having been single for more than a fortnight and condescending to everyone else, who you insinuate are nothing but wanking chimps.
Raise an eyebrow at descriptions
When a colleague describes interestingly depraved porn, look horrified. Implausible that a 45-year-old man familiar with the internet has the sexual knowledge of an 18th century virgin bride? Yes. Will they say ‘Oh, you must see European Cum Bath 4? Here, borrow my copy?’ No.
It’s fine to know what MILF means
Though yet to be recognised by the Oxford English Dictionary, it’s part of the lexicon. Pretending naivety will fool no-one. Let your extensive familiarity with the genre, with those the most worn four letters on your laptop keyboard, go unnoticed. Don’t remark that shagging a teenage stepson is surely the worst domestic decision you can make short of a pet tiger.
Guard your browsing history assiduously
Don’t allow anyone access to your computer, because pretending to be above sordid wanking over porn fails when your last search was ‘office cougar loves hot jizz’. Saying it was ‘research’ is actually worse than saying ‘You can’t beat a good anal threesome’.
Shrug ‘It’s just not something I’m into’
Doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Are you saying you’re indifferent to sex? Attractive naked people? You’ve never even been curious? Chinny reckon.
Maintain total ignorance
Pretend not to know the names of famous sites like Pornhub, referring to it as ‘Porn-what-was-it-called?’ And obviously you don’t recognise names like Angela White or Adriana Chechik either. Which is actually pretty disloyal after all they’ve given you.
