The Mash Guide to Organising a Traditional Eastenders Christmas

MILLIONS of Britons will be watching the Christmas edition of Eastenders, but how to arrange your own Albert Square-style festivities?

Follow these tips for a family Christmas packed with compelling pseudo-Cockney incident:

Repeatedly exclaim, “This is going to be the best Christmas ever!”

Make sure something goes horribly wrong with Christmas dinner, forcing your family to eat a takeaway or sandwiches, which ironically brings them closer together.

Say “It’s family, innit?” at least 20 times during the course of the day.

Do a murder.

Always buy presents that will lead to a moment of pathos, e.g. an extremely expensive watch for a someone who’s about to dump you.

Inject a an element of humour into your Christmas by rushing round to find a tree at the last-minute.

Make sure at least one of your Christmas guests has a serious mental illness. After they go into psychological meltdown during Christmas dinner, give everyone the number of the SANE hotline.

Get a long-forgotten friend or relative to arrive unexpectedly, ideally one that is evil and refers to ‘a few changes’ in a sinister manner.

Encourage friends and family to do something incredibly devious and malicious, such as pretending to have terminal cancer.

Under NO circumstances spend Christmas day at home. Instead, flit back and forth to the local pub for no apparent reason.

If you have teenagers, make sure they do something embarrassing and culturally unfeasible, like organising a ‘Christmas Dubstep Rave’ for charity.



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Year-long wait for dried fruit almost over

BRITAIN’S tantalising wait to get its hands on dried fruit is about to end.

Dried fruit is a delicacy beloved of all Britons, but they abstain from it during the year so that mince pies, Christmas pudding and Christmas cake will taste even more delicious.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “After twelve months of minimal dried fruit intake apart from the odd raisin, I can’t wait to get stuck in.

“Absolutely the best thing about Christmas is all the dried fruit you get to eat. I think about dried fruit constantly at work.

“Normal fruit is OK, but it lacks the driedness I crave.”

Six-year-old Julian Cook said: “Presents are good, but I prefer dried fruit. Like all kids, really.”

Teacher Tom Booker said: “I’m tempted to skip the turkey because it isn’t dried fruit. However it is dry, so that’s something.”

However food historian Stephen Malley said: “Things containing dried fruit date back to a time before anything was enjoyable.

“They hadn’t invented chocolate yet and people were so glad to have survived the year without being killed with swords that currants in pastry seemed a fabulous treat, despite being barely edible.”

He added: “I’m only joking of course. I love dried fruit!”