Plebgate 'could go all the way to the top of nothing'

AN alleged conspiracy to unseat former chief whip Andrew Mitchell could go right to the heart of absolutely nothing, it has emerged.

Amid accusations a Downing Street policeman may have falsified pleb evidence as part of a sophisticated plot with Mitchell’s deputy John Randall, who was also the policeman’s MP, to dispose of the chief whip and, good God, are you still reading this? Are you unemployed?

Anyway, ploughing on, experts stressed it could mean a British policeman told a lie, the Sun printed the lie, the rest of the media peed their pants, Downing Street is incompetent and you are now aware of someone called John Randall.

Julian Cook, professor of things that seem important at Roehampton University, said: “Let’s say Randall watched House of Cards and decided to stage a coup by disposing of each of his 38 rivals, one by one, using a pathetic little news story.

“He must have been confident given there is nothing newspaper editors love more than something pathetic.

“After a just a few years’ time he would become prime minister as each of his enemies is destroyed with stories about plebs, train tickets and perhaps someone failing to say thank you for a lovely chocolate biscuit.

“Ah, but how to get a policeman involved in the conspiracy, you say? Perhaps offer him a bag of crisps, but tell him they are ‘magic crisps’.

“It’s either that, or he and the policeman came independently to the conclusion that Andrew Mitchell is an arse. As would most people if they had ever had the faintest idea who Andrew Mitchell was.

“As you were.”


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Queen makes history by selling unwanted gifts on Ebay

THE Queen has listed 60 place mats, a gift to commemorate her attendance of a cabinet meeting, on eBay.

She had smiled weakly on receiving them and said they were just the ticket.

The Queen later said: “They think I don’t have table mats? What kind of operation do they think I’m running? Dickheads.”

Bidding on the place mats has already reached £17.29. The Queen has since listed a ‘Rare fertility idol from some island’ and ‘Cracker DVD box set signed by cast’.