How to leave a comment on Daily Mail online about Black Lives Matter

DO you have a strong urge to criticise Black Lives Matter on Mail Online without looking like an actual racist? Here’s how to go about it.

Keep your post short yet incoherent

There are important points to be made about Britain’s imperial crimes and also their historical context. Don’t bother with that, just post whatever bollocks is bubbling away in your head, eg. ‘Police politicully correct. Pedo connexion???’

Pretend to have developed a sudden passion for British history

Despite your historical knowledge previously being limited to Downton Abbey and war films, you now have a deep interest in obscure imperialists who must not be ‘erased’. Come off it. Up until now you thought Oliver Cromwells were a type of biscuit.

Make a shit job of not being racist

If you’re a Daily Mail comments regular you’re probably not the world’s most cunning person. Litter your post with phrases like ‘other cultures taking over’ and ‘crime in London’ that basically send out the unambiguous message: ‘I am a massive racist’.

Pointlessly try to disguise words from the moderators

Assume you’re being clever and subversive by trying to beat the moderation process with odd spellings like ‘b-.l-.a-.c-.k’. Just one question – WHY F**KING BOTHER? Have you seen the stuff the Mail DOESN’T bother to moderate?

Use ridiculous ‘slippery slope’ arguments

If they’re after Baden-Powell, it’s only a matter of time before they’re arresting seven-year-old girls for being in the Brownies, right? Don’t forget the paranoid classic: ‘How long before it’s illegal to be a straight white man/Brexiter/someone who eats sausages?’

Just go straight to Planet Bonkers

What next? Will the protesters pull down statues of Morecambe and Wise for some imagined slight? (NOTE: this is an actual comment.)

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Matt Hancock's guide to saying nothing whatsoever at daily press briefings

ARE you wondering how the government’s daily briefings manage to be quite so pointless? Here is the Q&A document used by Matt Hancock or whoever gets the short straw that day.

Q: The death toll is higher than the rest of Europe put together. Why are we easing lockdown?

A: We must all stay alert and observe all guidelines, in accordance with guidance, and using alertness. Also we must not make misleading comparisons with other countries. Many EU states are probably just getting dead people, propping them up in a chair, and pretending they’re alive.

Q: The track and trace system is a shambles. We might as well be waving buttercups under our chins to see if we like butter. You’ve had months to get this running. Why haven’t you?

A: Track and trace is vital. But not trace and track. That would be the wrong way round. And don’t forget our new app that might be ready a few months after lockdown has ended. It’s world-beating. So remember – track and trace, not trace and track. And world-beating.

Q: Where are all the tests you’ve been talking about? 

A: There are more than 10 million individual tests being carried out every single day. Just not in Britain.

Q: You say we should follow the science. But the scientists say the government’s approach has been a politically-motivated disaster.

A: Yes, indeed, we should follow the science, and the scientists. Who I see have just walked away from the podiums shaking their heads so I think I will join them. See you tomorrow.