How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old

YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide:

Visiting the park

Heading outside because your parents thoughtfully wanted to give you a change of scene? Well, you wanted to go in Daddy’s car, not Mummy’s. Scream purple-faced at the injustice of it until mummy loses her shit, makes a screeching U-turn and goes home.

Your favourite lunch

So what if it’s your favourite lunch in the whole world? You wanted the Pom-Bears on the other side of the plate. It’s important to set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable. Show your displeasure by throwing it on the floor then wail inconsolably because now you want it.

Getting dressed

It may seem like a simple sequence of events, but you can make getting dressed an epic battle on a par with Stalingrad. How dare they insist you wear socks? Or question whether yesterday’s pants worn on your head constitute a suitable outfit for a winter walk?

A bit of chocolate cake

It’s a massive treat and you should be happy? But you suspect your sibling may have a tiny bit more icing. Scream ‘It’s not fair!’ so loudly and incessantly that you directly impact the birth rate in three surrounding postcodes. Observations like ‘They’re the same size,’ should be treated with contempt. You will not be a victim of cancel culture.

Bathtime

Lovely bathtime bubbles and your favourite plastic toy? Yes, but you wanted to wee in the bath, then drink the bathwater. Anyone who tries to stop you is trying to remove your basic human rights, and you will report them to the Hague soon as you’ve stopped trying to eat this bath bomb.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

'Gwyneth fanny candle explosion' is a sentence that makes sense in 2021

THE sentence ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is one that makes perfect sense to people in the dystopia of 2021. 

When confronted with the four-word sentence, a majority of Britons nodded sagely and said ‘yes, I expected something like this would happen’ without any need for further explanation.

Asked to elaborate, 68-year-old Susan Traherne said: “Gwyneth Paltrow the actress and lifestyle brand, I presume?

“Yes, I remember last year she produced candles that bore the odour of her vagina. So I assume that one of said candles was lit, overheated, and produced an A-list-pussy-scented conflagration of some kind?

“That’s exactly what happened? Ah. Then I’m in hell and we’re all in hell. Nowhere else would that make sense.”