Monday, 8th March 2021

How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old

YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide:

Visiting the park

Heading outside because your parents thoughtfully wanted to give you a change of scene? Well, you wanted to go in Daddy’s car, not Mummy’s. Scream purple-faced at the injustice of it until mummy loses her shit, makes a screeching U-turn and goes home.

Your favourite lunch

So what if it’s your favourite lunch in the whole world? You wanted the Pom-Bears on the other side of the plate. It’s important to set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable. Show your displeasure by throwing it on the floor then wail inconsolably because now you want it.

Getting dressed

It may seem like a simple sequence of events, but you can make getting dressed an epic battle on a par with Stalingrad. How dare they insist you wear socks? Or question whether yesterday’s pants worn on your head constitute a suitable outfit for a winter walk?

A bit of chocolate cake

It’s a massive treat and you should be happy? But you suspect your sibling may have a tiny bit more icing. Scream ‘It’s not fair!’ so loudly and incessantly that you directly impact the birth rate in three surrounding postcodes. Observations like ‘They’re the same size,’ should be treated with contempt. You will not be a victim of cancel culture.

Bathtime

Lovely bathtime bubbles and your favourite plastic toy? Yes, but you wanted to wee in the bath, then drink the bathwater. Anyone who tries to stop you is trying to remove your basic human rights, and you will report them to the Hague soon as you’ve stopped trying to eat this bath bomb.