Lil Wayne, Joe Exotic, Lee Harvey Oswald: Trump reveals his pardon list

I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys:

Lil Wayne and Joe Exotic

Why would they lock these guys up? They aren’t bad guys. Wayne I know from the Celebrity Apprentice, he’s a great guy, the blacks love me. Joe stole, lied, obsessively hates a female rival, runs kind of a cult, plays with big dangerous things he doesn’t understand. I see a lot of myself in him.

Lee Harvey Oswald

This guy? Everyone says he’s a loser. They say he shot the president. Then you find out that president was a Democrat, and he cheated to win the election, then you see Lee was a beautiful guy. He can walk free now. It’s my message to all the potential presidential assassins out there.

The Joker

I saw the movie and they pushed this guy, you know? They really pushed him. He killed a few people and started a riot, sure, but I got sympathy. Gotham’s a liberal city, and those people reap what they sow. The Joker should really run for mayor.

All white-collar criminals

These guys, they put them in prison because it’s easy. It’s easier than catching the real bad guys out there on the streets to round up a few hundred thousand fraudsters, scammers, whatever. I’m giving them a second chance. Anyone still serving a sentence for marijuana possession in 1988, you stay in jail.

Boris Johnson

Boris let me down by not supporting me on the whole rigged election thing, but I’m forgiving, okay? I’m a forgiving guy. I hereby pardon him for Brexit which he explained to me is basically a heist, and award him US citizenship too. He’ll be over here. He’s too smart not to.

Trump

Of course I pardon myself. It’s the only way to get justice because the fake news Democrats have packed the courts with Chinese communists. My pardon covers all past crimes, and I’ve issued a pre-pardon covering all crimes up to 2041. The President can do that. You can’t stop me.

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Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank

IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021:

Joining the Jabs Army

The Sun’s campaign to recruit vaccine volunteers has been named after Dad’s Army, our nation’s finest sitcom hour. And, like Dad’s Army, Britain’s battle against the pandemic will be remembered as an absolute joke that’s only funny if you weren’t there.

Following a Churchillian leader

Johnson believes himself the heir to Churchill, though events don’t bear this out. The only way he’ll follow in his idol’s footsteps in that one day a statue of him will be graffitied by protestors and the right-wing media will perform a little dance of patriotic outrage.

Pretending the virus is an invader

Newspapers talk about the virus like Covid-19 wears little steel helmets and goose-steps its way up your nose. And given how we tried to put Union Jacks on vaccine vials, it’s only a matter of time until the injection syringes are made to look like Spitfires.

Indulging in misplaced jingoism

Government ministers are falling over themselves to claim our vaccination programme is the best in the world. Strangely, they’re less forward in comparing our world-beating death toll to other countries. It’s as if our uniquely British strategy of ‘taking it on the chin’ was a disaster.

Worshipping Captain Tom

The epitome of World War Two nostalgia has been dragging Captain Tom out of retirement for one last bash at saving Blighty. When we next host the Olympics the opening ceremony will be a fleet of drones depicting him getting Hitler and Covid-19 in a headlock, which is essentially what happened and anyone who says otherwise is a traitor.

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