Monday, 8th March 2021

Lil Wayne, Joe Exotic, Lee Harvey Oswald: Trump reveals his pardon list

I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys: 

Lil Wayne and Joe Exotic

Why would they lock these guys up? They aren’t bad guys. Wayne I know from the Celebrity Apprentice, he’s a great guy, the blacks love me. Joe stole, lied, obsessively hates a female rival, runs kind of a cult, plays with big dangerous things he doesn’t understand. I see a lot of myself in him.

Lee Harvey Oswald

This guy? Everyone says he’s a loser. They say he shot the president. Then you find out that president was a Democrat, and he cheated to win the election, then you see Lee was a beautiful guy. He can walk free now. It’s my message to all the potential presidential assassins out there.

The Joker

I saw the movie and they pushed this guy, you know? They really pushed him. He killed a few people and started a riot, sure, but I got sympathy. Gotham’s a liberal city, and those people reap what they sow. The Joker should really run for mayor.

All white-collar criminals

These guys, they put them in prison because it’s easy. It’s easier than catching the real bad guys out there on the streets to round up a few hundred thousand fraudsters, scammers, whatever. I’m giving them a second chance. Anyone still serving a sentence for marijuana possession in 1988, you stay in jail.

Boris Johnson

Boris let me down by not supporting me on the whole rigged election thing, but I’m forgiving, okay? I’m a forgiving guy. I hereby pardon him for Brexit which he explained to me is basically a heist, and award him US citizenship too. He’ll be over here. He’s too smart not to.

Trump

Of course I pardon myself. It’s the only way to get justice because the fake news Democrats have packed the courts with Chinese communists. My pardon covers all past crimes, and I’ve issued a pre-pardon covering all crimes up to 2041. The President can do that. You can’t stop me.