WHENEVER your friend tells you he was shitfaced after drinking eight pints last night, you automatically halve it because he’s a liar. Here’s some more quick maths to get to the truth.
When someone tells a doctor how much they drink – multiply by three.
When a friend texts you saying how long they’ll be – multiply by four, and add a minute for every time they’ve been late in the past.
Portion servings on food packaging – divide by two if savoury; reduce to one for tubs of expensive ice cream.
When your boss asks you to do a ten-minute job – multiply by seven and add three hours, or four if it’s Friday afternoon and someone you fancy is going to the pub.
When someone tells you how hot it was on a sunny day – subtract five degrees.
When someone tells you how cold it was on a winter’s day – add five degrees.
How much snow fell in someone’s garden – minus two inches.
How many people someone’s slept with – multiply by two for women over 18; divide by ten for teenage boys under 18.
Length of the motorway tailback someone was stuck in – reduce by three miles.
How fast a car was going when it went dangerously overtook someone – subtract 25mph.
Battery life claims on products – divide by three; divide by five if made in China.
Miles left in petrol tank – reduce by 25 per cent in normal conditions; divide by three if you’re nowhere near a petrol station.
Forecast delays on public transport – multiply by two, add 45 minutes if you’re in a hurry to get somewhere. If it’s a bank holiday, add infinity.
When the government tells you how many new hospitals it has built – reduce by 40.
When the government tells you how many new nurses are working in the NHS – reduce by 26,000.
How much weight someone’s been lifting in the gym – minus 20kg; minus 40kg for anyone who drinks protein shakes.
How far someone ran or cycled – reduce by 66 per cent.
When Boris Johnson tells you how many children he has – add eight.
