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How to survive an endless series of crises when you're in a safe, distant country

UKRAINE, Gaza, Iran, Sudan, melting glaciers. But, through it all, you’ve remained in a nice house in Sussex eating crisps in your joggers. Here’s how to cope: 

Acknowledge your pain

Although others are losing homes and loved ones, you hurt too. Don’t minimise your pain. It’s a struggle just working, especially as today is an in-office day. The situation could even affect the Q3 accounts and your hybrid SUV upgrade hangs by a thread. No ventilated seats? No panoramic sunroof? All suffering is relative.

Put yourself first

You cannot pour from an empty cup. And your reusable cup contains an oat flat white from a local independent cafe and says Be Kind. Ask yourself how you can possibly help others when your nervous system is wrecked by upsetting podcasts. Book the massage. Then maybe you’ll be up to stopping all war globally.

Curate your feed carefully

It is important to remain informed, but not so informed that it affects your mood during brunch. Allow one war update a day and intersperse those with reels of dachshunds. Enough people are suffering. Why add yourself unnecessarily? Remember that, in the face of adversity, joy is resistance.

Don’t be afraid to switch off

Self-care can mean turning away from the pain of the world. Just as an Iranian would love to, switch off and don’t feel guilty. Acknowledge the trauma of what you half-heard on the radio before going for a walk around your spacious garden. The missiles will still be there when you get back.

Consider maybe doing something

You may wonder if practical action could help. This feeling should pass. If it persists, consider giving a token amount to a charity that meets your ethical standards. Perhaps you could even purchase a tote bag, so others know you have done so and will be shamed into fixing this. Or write to your MP. They could stop Israel bombing Lebanon if they cared.

Be gentle with yourself

The world is complicated. You were not designed to carry the emotional burden of every international catastrophe while also answering Slack messages, dealing with your Hinge inbox and trying to hit 10,000 steps.You can’t save the world by yourself. Rewatch White Lotus to support its stinging critique of capitalism. Not to ogle Aubrey Plaza.

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What to do if someone is having a non-heatwave conversation: An emergency guide

RIGHT now, everyone should be talking about the heatwave to the exclusion of all other topics. Here’s how to intervene quickly and safely if anything else is discussed: 

Know the symptoms 

Non-heatwave conversations involve words such as ‘Asda’, ‘smoothie’ and ‘Mandalorian’ rather than the prescribed ‘hot’, ‘boiling’ and ‘sweaty’. Once you’ve spotted the danger signs, swoop in to redirect with phrases like ‘Bloody hot, isn’t it?’

Administer hot weather clichés

All heatwave should be dominated with inanities such as ‘Too hot for me!’ Interlocutors should trade clichés like ‘Ooh, I wish I could climb inside a fridge’ and ‘It’s like an oven’. Do not dwell on the actual physical sensations of being forced inside an oven, as this may leads to digression. Simply agree.

Encourage a water fixation 

Be obsessed with the idea that healthy human adults will pass out and die if they attempt to travel any distance without a bottle of water. This conversation will self-replicate like a malignant cell as they start badgering others with ‘Have you got some water?’, even if the person in question is only going to the recycling bin.

Quote scary numbers 

It’s not a proper heatwave conversation without specific temperatures. Luckily most Britons are shaky on temperatures apart from 0 and 100°C and whatever the f**k Fahrenheit is, so feel free to throw in dramatic-sounding but made up stats like ‘It’s 93° in Bournemouth!’

Don’t prevent sunburn

Sunburn will keep the conversation on-topic for several days as the victim bemoans their stupidity and everyone vows to use SPF 50 religiously. Encourage it by persuading people to join you in the glaring sun and saying things like ‘Who fancies another round?’ and ‘You look really stupid in that hat’.

Watch for a conversational relapses

Idiots may try to talk about something more stimulating than the weather. Be prepared to throw any crazy nonsense out to stop them, for example ‘You know they’ve had to close Heathrow because the planes are dripping molten aluminium onto Kent?’

Take inspiration from the media 

The news is a great help at forcing the heatwave into conversation. Whether Guardian hysteria, Telegraph climate change denial or the BBC with its many regional reporters writing non-stories like ‘James and Donna plan to spend the afternoon in the garden’, to cite just one real example, it’s full of pointers to keep chat hot and dull.

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