HS2 to make London even bigger

A HIGH speed rail line to the north will bring a much needed economic boost to central London, say experts.

Research showed that shorter journey times will make it easier for talented people in Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds to spend an increasing amount of time in the capital before finally moving there permanently.

Transport consultant Bill McKay said: “London must always be able to suck people out of the provinces as quickly and efficiently as possible.

“It’s wonderful to think that in a few years a young software engineer or fashion designer could be helping London become more successful and expensive in just under an hour.

“Dozens of sleek, busy trains coming south and then travelling back north, reassuringly empty, to collect more hungry talent.”

He added: “The last thing this country needs is to spend valuable high speed rail money on making Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds better places in which to do things.

“And it would be madness to ensure that every household has fibre optic broadband so that when this country grinds to a fucking halt every three months we can all pretend to be working from home.

“As anyone who spends any time in London will agree, it needs more people everywhere, all the time.”

Meanwhile, the plans have been opposed by so-called ‘NIMBYS’ living near the route who claim that trains are enormous, metal things that make a huge amount of noise.

Reality consultant Martin Bishop said: “I understand their concerns but all I can say is that this is Britain and so it’s probably never going to happen anyway.”

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JJ Abrams stops pretending to like Star Trek

NEW Star Wars director JJ Abrams always thought Star Trek was shite, it has emerged.

The Super 8 director responded to news of his Star Wars contract by giving a press conference where he attacked a Captain Kirk doll with a toy lightsaber.

Abrams told reporters: “Star Trek paid the bills, but let’s be honest it is lame as fuck. Feigning enthusiasm for it nearly broke my sanity.

“It doesn’t even have any robots, and the Klingons look like Metallica roadies with fake vaginas taped to their foreheads.

“A load of guys in colourful sweaters and tight pants, in a room that looks like the inside of an iPhone – directing that shit was frankly humiliating.

“Boba Fett reading a magazine on the toilet is better than anything that has ever happened or will ever happen in the Star Trek universe.”

The director used toys from the sci-fi franchises to illustrate his point, repeatedly smashing the Millennium Falcon into the Starship Enterprise and asking: “Can the Enterprise make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs?  I don’t think so!”

Abrams then repeatedly compared Kirk’s Captain’s log to excrement and said Trekkies should “Boldly go the fuck away and not come back.”