Huge rise in feeling like shit

MOST of the UK population feels like shit, it has emerged.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 64 per cent of Britons currently feel like shit, with an additional 16 per cent feeling ‘pretty shit’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who feel ok are such a small minority that they’re practically freaks.

“If everyone felt fine, there would be virtually no fuck-ups. Trains would run on time, newspapers would be free of spelling mistakes and even ITV2 would be quite good.

“Saying that, I must admit I feel pretty shit today. Had a few drinks last night then stayed up and watched two-thirds of a detective film with Michael Douglas in it.”

Professor Brubaker believes an unrealistic attitude to midweek drinking is the main cause of feeling like shit.

“People think it’s possible to have four or five pints on a week night and feel alright the following day. It’s a behaviour learned during their student years, when they didn’t have to get up until 3pm and then only to watch game shows.”

He added: “More people feel like shit now than in the Middle Ages, when we slept on straw and were regularly attacked by marauders.”

Sales administrator Julian Cook said: “I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of coming down with mumps. Also everything always looks a bit blurry around the edges.

“I’m so very tired.”

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How to never stick to any of your brilliant new plans

WHETHER you’re going on a diet, taking up a new sport or just trying to wake up earlier, here’s your foolproof guide to not sticking to any of it.

Bore everyone to death talking about it

Tell anyone who will listen about the transformative effects of cold-water swimming until you see pain in their eyes. They’ll be so terrified of you mentioning it again you won’t have to explain why you gave up after two weeks.

Blame someone else

Despite spending a grand on all the equipment for triathlons and then deciding it’s not for you, it’s not your fault. It was having the wrong coach, an unsupportive partner, demanding children, and so on. Definitely not that it was a really stupid idea in the first place for a lazy fucker like you.

Keep taking up other things

You’re batch cooking, you’ve started doing calisthenics, you’re reading a book a week, you’re vegan – you’re doing so many things who knows what you’ve started and what you’ve given up? If you suddenly realise you’re wearing snowboarding boots in a yoga class it’s a good sign that you’ve bailed on something else.

Take up meditation

Meditation is perfect for guilt-free giving up. No one can meditate more than a few times, not even monks, who only wear robes to hide their iPads. You can literally start, give it up and say you used to do it all in a day – while still sounding deep and spiritual.