Huge Rise In People Being Blackmailed By Their Own Wheelie Bins

THE number of people paying hush money to their wheelie bins has increased by 60 percent in the last 12 months, it emerged last night.

With more councils installing artificially intelligent bins, people with something to hide say the cost of being blackmailed could force them to give up at least one of their sordid and disturbing obsessions.

Ian, a 32 year-old from Stevenage, said: "It started last September. I dropped a bag of rubbish into the bin and turned to walk away when I heard someone say the word 'pervert'.

"I looked up and down the street, but there was no-one there so I started to walk off, but then I heard the same voice again saying 'yeah, you… pervert'.

"I then realised it was coming from the direction of the bin. As I leaned in, the bin suddenly started chuckling and said 'I know what you've been up to, with your washing up gloves and your ketchup and your over-ripe melons'.

"It then explained that £50 a week should cover it and gave me its sort code and account number so I could set up a direct debit."

He added: "At first I was very resentful and would get up in the middle of the night, heave it into the back of my car and drive it to an old quarry or leave it in the middle of a field, but it always managed to find its way home by morning. And of course when you try and pull that sort of shit with a corrupt wheelie bin, it's only going to cost you more money."

He added: "Eventually you just have to accept the situation and factor it in to the overall cost of your shameful but irresistible perversions."

The Local Government Association insists most wheelie bins are not programmed for blackmail and will usually recommend counselling, medication or a hefty dose of church.

Meanwhile Britain's serial killers have launched a petition demanding stupider bins unable to piece together the eclectic mix of clues contained in the refuse bag of a typical maniac.

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, said: "Most weeks I'll throw away 28 Alphabetti Spaghetti tins, a dozen empty bleach bottles, three bags of feet and a copy of the Daily Mail which I've covered in yellow highlighter and exclamation marks.

"I know I should probably stop reading it. But I can't."


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South Africa To Send Every Football Fan £200 And An Apology

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.

Project planners have estimated the overspend on squad accommodation alone could have kept 320 Nelson Mandelas incarcerated for an extra 500 years.

A spokesman said: “We’ll send everyone a DVD of highlights of World Cup ’90 because that was quite a good one.

“And what with flights, accommodation and carjacking I’m sure they’d rather stay at home and avoid all the hassle.”

All ticket holders will be contacted shortly to arrange their £200 payment and will be offered a mini World Cup experience featuring the chance for fans to get violently drunk in the comfort of their own home.

The spokesman added: “We can get half a dozen blokes to blow those irritating little trumpets outside your house for a couple of hours, have somebody pinch your passport and lay on a load of garden furniture for you to vomit over and then throw through your own patio doors.”

Meanwhile organisers of the London 2012 Olympics are flying to South Africa to discuss methods of wasting vast amounts of money more efficiently.

Initial ideas include building a 40,000 seater stadium where 10,000 people can watch eight people ride their bikes, as well as a giant onyx statue of Sebastian Coe doing judo with William Hague.