Hungover man fights back tears after watching literally anything

A HUNGOVER man is struggling to stop himself from crying at the slightest provocation.

Tom Logan confirmed he cannot watch anything without picking up on the vaguest emotional resonance and immediately sobbing.

He said: “As I’ve got older my hangovers have become more and more vicious. Throbbing headaches, churning stomach, feeling like you want to die and so on. But I never expected that I would start to get so emotional.

“There was an advert for double glazing that featured a man in his sixties. It made me think of my dad – who is absolutely fine. Then I thought about my mum and sister, and then how I’d feel if anything bad ever happened to them. I was inconsolable for the next half hour.

“At least that made some sort of sense but I just had a little weep after reading the back of a Toilet Duck bottle.

“Oh god, here it comes again. Don’t look at me.”

Dolphins that swim up to humans mostly saying 'f*ck off'

DOLPHINS swim up to humans in the sea to tell them to f*ck off, , it has been confirmed.

Marine biologist Stephen Malley said: “We wondered if they think we’re just another type of dolphin? Maybe they just fancy us and are asking us if we want to finger their blowhole?

“The main theory has always been that they’re trying to tell us something and it’s turned that this is 100% correct”

“But rather them saying ‘hello’ or ‘will you be my friend’, they’re in fact saying ‘fuck off out of our sea, human scum’.”

Other dolphin phrases that have been deciphered include ‘Piss off you vertical pricks’ and ‘Shit off and take your bastard plastic with you’.