CABINET minister Sajid Javid has told the Baby Boomer generation that if they could just hurry up and die all Britain’s problems would be solved at a stroke.
Javid said that initially he was only considering a mass cull of Baby Boomers to solve the housing shortage, but it quickly became apparent that it would remedy every problem facing the country.
He continued: “Brexit’d be out the window, for a start. No more retired xenophobes voting like crazy whose delusions of lost grandeur we have to indulge means no more economic suicide.
“There’d be plenty of nice big houses spare once they’ve stopped rattling around in them complaining about lazy young people while sucking up massive pensions, and the NHS would have capacity to spare.
“We could legalise cannabis, make golf illegal, and everyone could stop pretending the Beatles were anything more than a shitty boyband with pretensions.
“Yep, it’s the universal panacea. So if you could all just fucking die.”
68-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I am the most important person in Britain and have been all of my life.
“If I died, you would all cease to exist.”