I am the bog roll king

by Nathan Muir of Hitchin, Hertfordshire

I AM king of the bog roll. I sit on a throne built from 24-packs of only the softest, most absorbant loo paper. None may challenge my reign.

You panic-bought this weekend? Oh, my child. I have been buying up stocks for weeks. I have more toilet roll than anyone in a 15-mile radius, including small shops. It will never run out.

You’ve filled your garage with it? Ah, your naivety makes me chuckle. You remind me of myself, six weeks ago. I have filled my whole house.

I no longer have a bed. I sleep on bog roll. I eat at a bog roll table. I lounge on a supremely comfortable bog roll sofa. Every room in my house is piled to the ceiling with sweet, wonderful bog roll.

Soon, society will collapse. Banknotes won’t be worth, if you’ll pardon my joke, wiping your bum on. There will be only one source of wealth, only one currency. And I have cornered the market.

They will come to me, the former great and good, laid low by their own foulage. They will give me diamonds, titles, positions of great power in return for a single roll of Andrex Skin Kind with aloe vera and chamomile. I will take all as my due.

I am the bog roll king. I am the emperor of the sh*thouse. All hail me.

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Five ways to prove you're the loose cannon in your office

EVERY office has one: a maverick, a loose cannon, a gunslinger. But how can you show you’re the true iconoclast in your workplace?

Drink coffee at 5.30pm

Who drinks coffee after lunchtime? This wild card. As everyone else goes home you’re jacking your bloodstream with a fresh dose of caffeine because if these emails are going to get finished, that cup is getting poured.

Toys on the desk

The desk is a business space, a place for computers and phones not miniature figurines of anime characters. But for wild nonconformists like yourself, there’s no line between work and play. Ironic figurines, figurines you say are ironic but aren’t really, the lot. Mind-blowing.

Feet on the desk

Want to show how relaxed and informal you can be around the office? Push your chair back and place your feet on the desk, like a boss. Don’t do it if the boss is around.

Go trouserless on Casual Friday

Most sheeple just wear their relaxed chilling clothes on Casual Friday. Not you. You don’t even wear trousers, and nobody can stop you. ‘It’s what I wear when I work from home,’ you breezily justify to HR when they call you in for a verbal warning.

Carry a loaded handgun

Don’t mention it to anyone, just let them see it on your hip. Let the rumour spread that you shot a rival for taking credit for your presentation. Let it be assumed that you’ll gun anyone down without even thinking about it, and that’s how you get such great performance reviews.