I don’t want or need this and I hate myself, says purchaser of bread maker

THE new owner of a bread maker is considering taking the machine into the garden and smashing it into a million pieces.

31-year-old Tom Logan bought the £199 bread making device without really thinking about it.

He said: “My brother-in-law had one and spoke very highly of it. Apparently there’s nothing like the smell of fresh bread in the morning.

“But the way he said it, looking back I don’t think it was entirely sincere. It was just like he was repeating a popular, uncontroversial opinion without any real belief or feeling.

“I don’t even like eating bread especially, it’s a bland dietary relic of the dark ages.”

Logan’s lack of interest in his new purchase is such that he cannot bring himself to read the instructions.

“I want to put the bread machine outside and hit it with a plank again and again and again, then run off to live in a forest away from all the people and shops.

“But I won’t do that. I’ll just make some bread, and when people come around I will tell them that there is nothing like the smell of fresh bread. Then we will drink some wine and talk about houses.”

He added: “Bread is so cheap in the supermarket.”

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Whisky drinkers will believe anything, say scientists

WHISKY ‘connoisseurs’ are just ruddy-nosed cash dispensers, according to new research.

After a whisky fired into space was said to have aromas of rubber and smoked fish, distillers are focussing on doing more stupid things to get money.

Whisky merchant Roy Hobbs said: “I have a barrel of Speyside which has had a kilt soaking in it for the last three years. The kilt helps ‘reconder the phenaptols’ in the whisky. Two words I just totally made up.

“I’m hoping it will pay for a summer house in France, where they drink real booze made of fruit.”

Whisky was originally invented in China as a more stable version of gunpowder, but was taken up as a drink by the Scots in the 15th Century as a form of suicide to avoid capture by the English.

With ‘space whisky’ expected to sell at 50 times the price of its earth counterpart, distillers are now strapping barrels to a goat, having an old woman shout at them and making them with water extracted from ‘haunted’ peat.

Hobbs said: “It’s just plants and water mashed up in a big vat.”