I Take My Coffee Black - Like My Women, Says Queen

BUCKINGHAM Palace has ended months of speculation after announcing that the Queen is gay with a fondness for tall, powerful black women.

The announcement  came just hours after Her Majesty was pictured resting her hand a few inches above the buttocks of US First Lady Michelle Obama.

A spokesman said: "After careful consideration and following consultation with the prime minister and the leaders of the Commonwealth, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has confirmed that she is totally gay, especially for statuesque black ladies."

Royal observers had expected the Queen to make a move on the wife of a foreign head of state at some point this year with French first lady Carla Bruni the clear favourite.

Constitutional expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Everyone knows the story about the pillow fight with Imelda Marcos after a state banquet in 1974, but the Palace always dismissed it as nothing more than playful hi-jinx."

He added: "It shouldn't affect Her Majesty's constitutional position in any way, as long as she doesn't want to divorce Prince Philip and marry a nun."

The White House stressed that Mrs Obama was flattered by the Queen's attention but that she did not like her in that way.

A spokesman said: "The First Lady was just being friendly and is sorry if she gave out the wrong signals. Nevertheless we wish Her Majesty well in her search for a broad-shouldered black Amazon who can finally let her express all those things that she's bottled up inside for so long."

Meanwhile Prince Philip is understood to be fascinated with his wife's new sexual orientation but has urged her to steer clear of inscrutable Chinese lesbians.

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G20 Produces One Trillion Dollars From Behind Your Ear

THE G20 summit made you giggle like a schoolgirl last night after producing a shiny $1 trillion coin from behind your right ear.

At the close of an historic meeting in London, Gordon Brown delighted his fellow world leaders by crouching down asking you if you had any money.

When you frowned and shook your head, the prime minister moved his hand up to your right ear where he produced a big, golden coin before adding: "Really? Well, what do we have here?"

Mr Brown then gave you the coin, patted you on the head and urged you to spend it all on sweets.

But as global markets applauded the miracle of the golden coin, experts urged caution, stressing Mr Brown's playful generosity is what is known in the real world as an 'illuuuusion'.

Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It allows you to carry on spending money on sweets while convincing yourself that you will not, at some point, have to start paying it back. Forever. And ever. And ever.

"I'll be honest with you, we're now in so much debt that if you can summon up the courage to look at your share of it you will scream, faint and shit your pants all at the same time.

"Not only that but the coin does actually belong to some Chinese and Saudi Arabian gentlemen and if they don't get it back they will make you dance naked on a table and turn your house into a bathroom for their racehorses."

He added: "What the coin basically means is that your retirement will last the eight seconds it takes for you to collapse at your work station, fall to the floor and die and up until that point you'll be taxed every time you use the letter 'A'.

"Enjoy your sweets."