Idiot really chuffed with his sunburn

AN idiot has proclaimed his sunburn to be some sort of achievement.

Martin Bishop, 25, went out in 28 degree heat with his shirt off and without any sun cream, despite his pale skin.

He said: “My girlfriend tried putting after-sun on me and that really, really hurt. We filmed it and put it on Facebook. It was amazing.”

Girlfriend Jane Thomson said: “He always does this. Every summer he reckons he’ll get a tan then he walks outside and almost bursts into flames. He’s a total  fucking idiot and I need to sort my life out.”

Martin’s friend, Tom Booker, said “Martin seems to be under the impression that we’re impressed by this. That is not the case.

“I have no respect for him and I am glad he is in pain.”

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Couple holding hands in the street really pissing everyone off

A COUPLE enjoying a romantic stroll around the shops are taking up the entire fucking pavement, other pedestrians have confirmed.

Emma Bradshaw and Tom Booker are dawdling around feeling like they are in a Richard Curtis film, apparently oblivious to the murderous rage of the people walking behind them.

Pedestrian Carolyn Ryan said: “If these two fuckers don’t start walking a bit quicker I’m going to trample all over the back of their espadrille-wearing heels.

“Whilst they might have the time to drift around cluttering up the pavement and gazing mistily into the windows of estate agents, some of us just want to get to Tesco as quickly as possible to buy a pint of milk and some Toilet Duck.

“There isn’t the time to dick about showing off about how in love you are. Some of us need to storm around glaring at people who get in your way, so we can get back home and sit on the sofa for nine hours.”

Bradshaw said: “I don’t even love him. I just love being annoying.”