SAS recruitment problems may leave Britain’s idiots with nothing to read on holiday, experts have warned.
As the number of successful applicants to the elite fighting force decreases, the amount of paperbacks with titles like Blood Before Honour or Operation: Ironhawk written by ex-servicemen will inevitably also decline.
Fears are growing that this could force men to read books that deal with emotions and character development, rather than lengthy descriptions of strangling Arabs.
Professor Henry Brubaker, director of The Institute For Studies, said “While footballers will continue to churn out potboilers about their battles against alcoholism or really liking hookers, we could see the whole confused-sexuality-military genre disappear altogether.”
“It’s a literary tradition stretching back to the Crimean War, when Lieutenant Denys Finch Hatton’s memoir Musings On Bayonetting Some Russians became a massive hit in Victorian London amongst gentlemen who liked the idea of being really hard but hated the idea of actually being punched.”
“If these books stop being written, there’s the very real risk that these men will have to actually talk to their families while on holiday, probably some stilted observations about the airport’s luggage collection system and the relative expensiveness of paella compared to last year. God help us all.”
The army is hoping to entice recruits into the SAS with the promise of a literary agent after five years’ service and a one-book deal with Bantam Press for completing ten years.
But Drill Sergeant Roy Hobbs feels the selection process is still too demanding, as it requires candidates to produce half a dozen sample chapters whilst being shot at in a ditch.
Hobbs said “We can only hope there are enough psychopathic aspiring killing machines out there that can also sketch out a half-decent narrative arc.”