Idiots finally realise toilet paper is not a valuable commodity

BRITAIN’S idiots are beginning to realise that cheap paper for wiping your bottom is not a valuable commodity like gold or diamonds.

Experts hope the realisation will lead to toilet paper being freely available in supermarkets again soon, in a historic day possibly known as ‘Brown Monday’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Toilet paper isn’t a good investment, nor is it a useful medical device. It’s good for removing poo and wee and that’s about it. 

“Our research suggests that even if you become ill you probably won’t need extra toilet tissue, and in an emergency a damp J cloth would probably do the job.

“Also you can’t really sell it to your neighbours for 50 quid a roll without them coming round and beating you up when the crisis is over.”

Hoarder Stephen Malley said: “I was expecting bog roll would become so valuable I’d be a multi-millionaire and lead the life of Lamborghinis and swimsuit models I’ve always craved.

“Now my dreams are shattered and I’ll get a bitter reminder of what could have been every time I wipe my bum.”

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Woman lasts three days in lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair

A WOMAN made it just three days into lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair for entertainment.

Nikki Hollis had cleaned her whole house, alphabetically ordered the spice drawer and watched 19 episodes of Masterchef when she thought it would be a good idea to give her hair ‘a bit of a trim’.

Hollis said: “Never again will I think cutting hair looks easy. It took two snips to my fringe before I looked like Worzel Gummidge after a night on the scrumpy.

“I tried to even it out by cutting the sides a bit shorter but the more I cut the more uneven it became and the more I had to cut it.

“It was an inescapable vicious circle that only ended when my husband found me. He said I looked so terrible his first thought was to call a doctor, if he’d been able to. 

“It’s a good job there’s a lockdown because I can’t leave the house for at least six weeks now.”

Hollis added: “I’ll have a bash at cutting the children’s hair though. It doesn’t matter if they look stupid.”