Idiots organise child's birthday party for the middle of a Saturday

A CHILD’S birthday party has been organised specifically to f*ck up the whole weekend.

Instead of having it first thing in the morning like considerate parents, six year-old Charlie Bishop’s mother and father have ensured that the whole day is written off so the little arsehole can eat cake and prance about with all his toys.

Nikki Hollis, mother of Bishop’s friend Jack, said: “Even the evening would be better, because then you can do something first. But no.

“I don’t work all week so I can spend my weekend waiting around to go to some kid’s party, then recovering from it afterwards.

“If you’re going to have a party, get the f*cking thing out of the way early. Surely even the biggest cretin knows that?”

Bishop’s idiot parents have not only ensured that 14 families have had their entire weekends spoiled but also expect to be thanked for it.

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Hungover man fights back tears after watching literally anything

A HUNGOVER man is struggling to stop himself from crying at the slightest provocation.

Tom Logan confirmed he cannot watch anything without picking up on the vaguest emotional resonance and immediately sobbing.

He said: “As I’ve got older my hangovers have become more and more vicious. Throbbing headaches, churning stomach, feeling like you want to die and so on. But I never expected that I would start to get so emotional.

“There was an advert for double glazing that featured a man in his sixties. It made me think of my dad – who is absolutely fine. Then I thought about my mum and sister, and then how I’d feel if anything bad ever happened to them. I was inconsolable for the next half hour.

“At least that made some sort of sense but I just had a little weep after reading the back of a Toilet Duck bottle.

“Oh god, here it comes again. Don’t look at me.”