I'm not scary kids, says man nailed to a plank

JESUS has condemned scary things, despite being nailed to some wood and wearing a crown of thorns.

Central figure of Christianity Jesus said: “I really worry about the occult symbolism of Halloween, it encourages kids to get into ghosts and magic which are very bad and not what I’m about at all.

“The excessive sugar, the horror films, it’s all a bit intense. I’m saying forget that kids, come to your local church and worship a lovely statue of me with big bleeding wounds on my hands and feet.

“We’ve got Twister, Kerplunk, hide and seek, although no hiding in the crypt please, we’re not checking all those coffins again.”

Nine-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I realise now that Halloween things like vampires, monsters and the comics character Harley Quinn are evil and I should go to church instead of trick or treating.

“Also if I don’t Jesus said I might go to Hell, a fiery place full of unimaginable pain and torment. That really firmed up my decision.”

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Parliament to tackle sexual harassment with pay rise for MPs

THE best way to stamp out sexual harassment in parliament is to pay MPs more if they promise not to do it, it has been claimed.

Politicians believe they should be rewarded with a modest £25,000 pay rise if they do their best to stop making lewd comments to women and touching them inappropriately.

Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’ve spoken to MPs on both sides of the House and we all agree we must do everything we can to prevent sexual harassment by us.

“I feel a pay rise will work because if there’s one thing that motivates MPs it’s being given money.

“The next time I see a smashing pair of knockers I’ll just think about all the extra cash I can invest in organic dog treats for my labrador ‘Brunel’ and that should distract me until I’m out of danger.”