Immigrants Will Have To Complete Assault Course

BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.

The citizenship candidates will also have to lay-out a place setting for a four-course meal including soup, fish, and dessert, and then drink a glass of white wine while trying to eat three different items from the buffet.

All very brown and muslim applicants will have to pass a mental agility test using a flight simulator to land a Boeing 737 at Heathrow while resisting the temptation to smash it into Canary Wharf.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Candidates will be asked to memorise a picture of a series of coloured blocks and then answer a series of easy questions about them such as 'what is the colour of the block two to the left of the block to the right of the green block?'

"They will then be shown a couple of video clips featuring that clever bloke, did all the improv shows, was in everything and then went bonkers, you know Stephen Fry's mate, after which they will have to identify six easy continuity errors."

She added: "Everyone will have to complete the assault course, including cargo nets, tyres and rope swings.

"Families from the sub-continent will not be allowed to help their fat grandmother over the wall. If she can’t climb it, she’s not coming in."

Finally, hopefuls will face a quickfire general knowledge round on how the British Empire destroyed their country, followed by a series of trick questions on the UK benefits system.

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Vicar Defiant Over Foul-Mouthed Order Of Service

A RURAL vicar who littered an order of service with gratuitous swearing and foul-mouthed insults has said he would do it again.

The Right Reverend Denys Hatton was accused of ruining the wedding of Timothy and Emma Burton by adding unsolicited comments to the four page booklet, later described as ‘dirty-minded’ and ‘designed specifically to offend’.

Emma’s mother, Mrs Elizabeth Wilson, said: “We had all been looking forward to such a lovely day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and Emma looked absolutely radiant.

“So it was something of a disappointment when we arrived at the church – decorated so beautifully by Marjorie and Janice – to then read that we were about to witness the marriage of two ‘fucknuts’.”

Rev Hatton said: “When I first met Tim and Emma I thought, ‘what a pair of unbearable, self-absorbed bastards’.

“That fat little cow hasn’t been here since she was five and he obviously thinks I’m some sort of prick.”

Rev Hatton said he wanted to highlight the couple’s dreadful taste in music while leaving the congregation in no doubt as to their ‘unremitting ghastliness’.

But he also admitted using the footnotes to make gratuitous and unprovoked comments about the best man and matron of honour, as well as settling an old score with the parish organist.

Rev Hatton added: “If you want to get married in my church you can bloody well turn up every Sunday and fucking mean it.

“Christ, I hate people.”