Immigration to be reduced to a fun Australian and a pretty Italian

IMMIGRATION to the UK will be cut to just two people who are acceptable to Britain’s racists and xenophobes, Theresa May has announced.

The prime minister unveiled the policy despite concerns about how two people will replace tens of thousands of migrants doing everything from fruit picking to scientific research.

May said: “The Australian will be a ‘good bloke’ type, possibly called Bryan, who will prove an asset to the UK by getting the beers in and telling interesting anecdotes about massive spiders.

“The Italian woman will be demure and very attractive. It would help if she’s an expert in a high-tech industry like jet engine design, but a lovely name like Sophia or Valentina will do.

“Obviously there’s a limit to how much they’ll contribute to the economy, but the important thing is they won’t upset the horrendous bigoted losers who are now my best friends.”

Economist Donna Sheridan said: “According to my calculations the Italian woman will have to do the work of at least 50,000 people, which will be difficult however pretty she is.”