Immigration to be reduced to a fun Australian and a pretty Italian

IMMIGRATION to the UK will be cut to just two people who are acceptable to Britain’s racists and xenophobes, the government has announced.

The Home Office unveiled the policy despite concerns about how two people will replace tens of thousands of migrants doing everything from fruit picking to scientific research.

A spokesman said: “The Australian will be a ‘good bloke’ type, possibly called Bryan, who will prove an asset to the UK by getting the beers in and telling interesting anecdotes about massive spiders.

“The Italian woman will be demure and very attractive. It would help if she’s an expert in a high-tech industry like jet engine design, but a lovely name like Sophia or Valentina will do.

“Obviously there’s a limit to how much they’ll contribute to the economy, but the important thing is they won’t upset the horrendous bigoted losers who vote.”

Economist Donna Sheridan said: “According to my calculations the Italian woman will have to do the work of at least 50,000 people, which will be difficult however pretty she is.”

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All cats are Thatcherites, confirm experts

EVERY cat is a right-wing Conservative, scientists have discovered.

Researcher Dr Emma Bradshaw said: “Cats believe in capitalism, low taxes and ‘traditional family values’.

“Also, they couldn’t give a shit about any other living creature unless it benefits them and they enjoy ripping smaller animals to shreds.”

Bradshaw added there are also parallels between the government’s Brexit negotiations and the way cats react to laser pointers.

Cat Tom Logan said: “I am in favour of privatising the NHS because I want most of you to die.”

Meanwhile, the study found dogs were more likely to vote Labour because they do not really understand anything and enjoy making a mess.

The animal most likely to vote Liberal Democrat is the sea monkey.