INSPIRING Melanie Phillips has overcome potentially debilitating horribleness to pen an article about the Paralympics.
Phillips, who has been horrible since the age of 12 when a tragic fall from the roof of a leisure centre damaged her soul, wrote around 1,000 words on the Paralympics, successfully overcoming the urge to go into her garden and feed mercury-laced worms to baby birds.
But her achievement has raised inevitable questions about whether horrible people like Melanie should continue to receive handouts from national newspapers.
Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “There has existed a stereotype of horrible people like Melanie as being incapable of meaningful work.
“Because they’re always thinking about microwaving puppies or cutting ambulance brake cables, they are believed unable to focus on proper jobs and fall back on media donations in exchange for the occasional burst of vitriol.
“But if you read Melanie’s latest work, the spelling and punctuation are fine and the use of full sentences suggest she did not become overwhelmed and start hitting the keyboard with her forehead.”
A spokesman for the Federation of Horrible People and Dreadful Fuckers said: “We must not use Melanie’s achievements as a political tool.
“She faces innumerable daily challenges, not least that most of the things she really wants to do are illegal.
“Of course I don’t really give a shit about her, I’m horrible. I’m just being selfish.”