Incredible Melanie's article challenges stereotypes of horrible people

INSPIRING Melanie Phillips has overcome potentially debilitating horribleness to pen an article about the Paralympics.

Phillips, who has been horrible since the age of 12 when a tragic fall from the roof of a leisure centre damaged her soul, wrote around 1,000 words on the Paralympics, successfully overcoming the urge to go into her garden and feed mercury-laced worms to baby birds.

But her achievement has raised inevitable questions about whether horrible people like Melanie should continue to receive handouts from national newspapers.

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “There has existed a stereotype of horrible people like Melanie as being incapable of meaningful work.

“Because they’re always thinking about microwaving puppies or cutting ambulance brake cables, they are believed unable to focus on proper jobs and fall back on media donations in exchange for the occasional burst of vitriol.

“But if you read Melanie’s latest work, the spelling and punctuation are fine and the use of full sentences suggest she did not become overwhelmed and start hitting the keyboard with her forehead.”

A spokesman for the Federation of Horrible People and Dreadful Fuckers said: “We must not use Melanie’s achievements as a political tool.

“She faces innumerable daily challenges, not least that most of the things she really wants to do are illegal.

“Of course I don’t really give a shit about her, I’m horrible. I’m just being selfish.”



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Parade to celebrate victorious Boris

BORIS Johnson is to be carried through London on a golden sedan chair carried by Bradley Wiggins, Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ellie Simmonds.

Thousands of adoring fans will throng the streets of the capital at this Saturday’s Boris Parade, paying homage to the man who has become the poster boy of the Olympics.

The parade will last for four hours in total as Johnson is carried on foot from Stratford to Buckingham Palace. Concerns have been expressed that the athletes selected to carry him may find the route tough going.

Lord Coe, however, said, “This is what they’ve trained for. All those miles, all that weight training – for this.

“The important thing is that none of the Boris bearers rupture themselves and in doing so drop Boris and damage him.

“They have been uplifted and inspired by his success, which shows that, whether you went to Oxford or Cambridge, you too might like to have a bash at being Mayor for a bit.”

When the parade reaches the Mall, Johnson will be piggybacked the last 500 yards to the Palace by Sir Chris Hoy.

Johnson was marked out for Olympic glory in his student days, when he coxed for his college.

He endeared himself to spectators by bringing a hamper of tuck with him onto the boat, tucking into chicken legs as he exhorted his crewmates to greater efforts for college and country.