Indiana Jones struggling to get Universal Credit

ADVENTURING archaeologist Indiana Jones is finding it impossible to navigate the Universal Credit system, he has admitted.

Forced to sign on after losing his position as a university lecturer, Jones has been battling through the impenetrable forms and appointments to reach the ultimate goal of the benefits he is legally entitled to.

He said: “Compared to making your way through the automated Universal Credit hotline, deciphering Khitan scripts to find the lost treasures of the Liao dynasty was an absolute piece of piss.

“I put in my claim six weeks ago. My landlord’s banging the door down and I’ve had to take my whip down Cash Converters just to keep the electricity on.

“Also you have to do everything online now. I’m fine with implausibly complex ancient traps and surviving atomic blasts, but I’ve never got the hang of computers.

“They’ve got me applying for 12 jobs a week. It’s not realistic, and I say that as someone who’s regularly dragged themselves into the back of a moving truck before throwing a Nazi through the windscreen.”

Jones later received a letter from the DWP saying he was eligible for a budgeting advance loan as long as he collected it before 4.30pm from a pit full of deadly snakes.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Greggs' nativity Jesus should have been a steak bake, says archbishop

THE leader of the Church of England has condemned Greggs for using a sausage roll as Jesus in their nativity instead of the higher-value steak bake.

Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has hit out at the high street bakery for its ‘blasphemous’ choice of a sausage roll to represent the Lamb of God who took away the sins of the world.

He continued: “He died for you, and you honour him with the third, maybe fourth-best pastry in your range? Shame on you, Greggs. Shame.

“The light of the world deserves to be cubes of prime beef in a rich, tasty gravy encased in a golden puff pastry parcel, just as his divinity was clothed in mortal flesh.

“Peter, first of his disciples, would be the sausage, cheese and bean melt, the three ingredients representing the three times he denied Christ, and the sausage roll John the Baptist; good, but not quite there.

“Judas, of course, is the chicken bake. You trust it, even though you know it will betray you.”