Indicating when turning now on an 'if you feel like it' basis

USING your indicators to alert other drivers that you are about to turn off the road is no longer mandatory, the government has announced.

The Department for Transport said it was finally catching up with the lax attitude of the public toward the more basic aspects of the Highway Code, as witnessed daily on Britain’s roads.

A spokesman said: “20 years ago we’d have said, ‘Absolutely always indicate every time. No fucking exceptions. D’you want a shunt? D’you want to mow down a kid on a tricycle?’

“But now we’re a lot more ‘meh’. Stand at any junction, only about one in three drivers bothers indicating these days. It’s become an outdated ‘olde worlde’ convention, like tipping your hat to a lady.

“So we’ve loosened up. Do your own thing. Swing out across the road when you feel like it. Suddenly swerve round a parked car. Keep it unpredictable. Keep it exciting.”

The DfT is now planning to relax the rules on other bad driving practices, such as encouraging your dog to take the wheel to find out if it can secretly drive.

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He tried to kiss me, says Kim

KIM Jong-un has confirmed that the US-North Korea summit ended when President Trump attempted to kiss him.

The US president claimed the summit ended abruptly because he refused to lift sanctions, but Jong-un said he walked out after rebuffing Trump’s romantic advances.

He said: “I entered the room and found talks were apparently to be held in a hot tub, lit only by candles, which I had not agreed to but went along with because I was curious.

“Trump, who was wearing a solid-gold medallion of the Great Seal of the United States on his chest, said that he was willing to lift all sanctions and it was not my nuclear arsenal he was interested in.

“I was plied with Louis XIII cognac, which I have a weakness for, and was attempting to steer the conversation onto reunification when he leaned in with puckered lips and attempted to kiss me on the mouth.

“Outraged, I left Trump and our translators in the hot tub, walking past vice-president Mike Pence who had been watching creepily from a corner, and returned to North Korea.”

Trump said: “Fake news. I walked out. He tried to kiss me. Because I’m beautiful. The most beautiful guy he’s ever seen.”