International F**k Off and Leave Me Alone Day a resounding success

INTERNATIONAL Fuck Off and Leave Me Alone Day has proved more successful than International Happiness Day or World Poetry Day, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop, one of the people who organises this kind of thing, said: “We’re thinking next month we’ll have Everyone Stop Being a Pain in the Arse Day.

“Then if that’s a success we’ll also then have World No Poetry Day where no poetry or spoken word will be allowed and if you get caught doing any you get three months in prison.

“Although if any of the other cons ask you what you’re in for, maybe lie to them as ‘writing poetry’ is only one step up from ‘I got caught shoplifting from a charity shop which was run by an old blind woman.’”

Twitter user Emma Bradford said: “I loved International Fuck off and Leave Me Alone Day, although if you tweet me about it you really are missing the point.”

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The Mash guide to leaving Facebook 

LEAVING Facebook is harder than putting down the family dog for incontinence.

Here is our handy guide to leaving the devious social media platform:

Instead of endlessly browsing your friend’s pictures, enjoy the candid thrill of peering into their windows at night.

Wear a t-shirt that tells everyone how much you raised for charity and a badge that says ‘Tell me you like me’.

Strap your cutest child to your back and take them to work to staple documents and answer your phone. That real life cuteness will beat any post of them on a donkey.

When a friend tells you something annoying that everyone one already knows is annoying, make a face like an angry toddler and stamp the ground.

Attach a public address system to your car so you can broadcast to everyone passing that your are SO PROUD OF YOUR MUM.

Go to a party and when a friend tells you about their problems just say ‘this is not worthy of my validation’ and walk away.