Interns to be paid for the work they create

THE slack-jawed offspring of company executives should be paid for the extra tasks they generate during work experience, it has been claimed.

The Conferedation of British Industry estimates the expensively-educated and preternaturally sluggish children of Britain’s senior management currently generate 43% of the country’s workload.

A CBI spokesman said: “These dopey, very tall, price-of-everything-value-of-nothing young people deserve to share in the GDP they generate by doing simple tasks badly, throwing important documents in a skip and opening email attachments entitled ‘Massive Virus’.

“At the moment most of them are forced to exist on nothing except the full-board, generous weekly allowance and fortnightly snowboarding sabbaticals provided by their fathers.”

Tom Logan, 22, said: “Sometimes people don’t take interns seriously but I was in dad’s office for three days last week, excluding the time off I needed to buy a scooter.

“On Tuesday I had to go to the warehouse. It was full of stocky men with body odour and accents. I didn’t like it. So I accidentally spilled my Ribena on one of the machines and left.”

Meanwhile critics of the internship culture insist it should be opened up so that it can give false hope to poor people.

Personnel consultant Nikki Hollis said: “We could trick them into knuckling down instead of stealing our cars and making noise in the street at night. It’ll be like Jamie’s Dream School, but with arguments about staplers.

“If just one of them goes away with the misconception that success in this country is somehow linked to merit it will all have been worth it it.”

 

 

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She might get fat, Church tells William

THE Church of England has urged Prince William not to hop on a passing skank if Kate Middleton gains a few pounds.

In a prayer, specially concocted for the Royal wedding, the Church said Kate was a nice looking girl while also implying that it is easy to let yourself go once you get married.

The prayer, which will be read, out loud, by humans, over the next three weeks, calls upon God to watch over the couple and asks Jesus to keep up to speed with their dirty thoughts.

The prayer reads:

Oh God, please guide William and Catherine,
Who could both be described as comparatively attractive,
Especially her, obviously.

Keep their faith in each other strong, especially if she bulks up a bit, or when the last strands detach themselves from the top of his head.

Replace their perverted longings with the desire to serve,
And keep them from getting naked with some greasy, foreign spiv or horsey, big-hipped girl from the Cotswolds.

Because if that happened it would be the worst thing in the world. Much worse than famine, war or a load of Buddhists being swept away by some gigantic wave.

As always, you and Jesus are both totally brilliant, keep up the good work,
Amen

Meanwhile, Kate Middleton’s parents have demanded the paparazzi stop taking unlicenced photographs of their wedding-related merchandise, including younger daughter Pippa.

The couple are to trademark their DNA and have tattooed ‘©1983. A Michael & Carole Middleton Production’ across Pippa’s forehead.

In a letter to the Press Complaints Commission, the Middletons said: “The last thing anybody wants is the kind of media scrum that ultimately resulted in the tragic death of Diana because the lighting in that thing was terrible and most of the shots were out of focus.”

The couple have already responded to claims they are cashing-in on their daughter’s choice of penis with a series of collectible scratchcards and a spicy KFC bucket called ‘the Middleton Mega Meal’.

Mrs Middleton has also answered critics with her new book Carole’s Uterus: The Queenmaker, a series of smear test results and pithy observations charting the life and times of her historic fandango.