Ironic moustaches defeated by deadly serious moustaches

MEN are no longer growing Movember moustaches for charity because they all have entirely serious moustaches already. 

Movember, which five years ago was popular with men growing facial hair for ironic and humorous reasons, is now shunned by the majority of British men who have facial hair all year round and are not prepared to laugh about it.

Joe Turner of Swindon said: “I like Movember because it introduced me to the world of moustaches, but I’m not messing about anymore.

“Once funny, my moustache is now yet another thing I take ridiculously seriously, alongside watching other men kick a ball around a big green field and making the perfect macchiato.

“A girl giggled the other day when I was applying my Captain Fawcett’s Moustache Wax. I glared at her.”

Turner’s girlfriend Eleanor Shaw said: “Movember normalised moustaches. Now men like Joe go round looking like an absurd cross between Barry Chuckle and Terry Thomas without even a trace of humour.

“Why am I still with him? Because at least it’s not a fucking beard.”

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Colleague with ‘Friday feeling’ advised everyone gets hammered on Thursdays now

AN office worker excited about her Friday bottle of wine has been tactfully informed that everyone else already got wrecked the day before. 

Susan Traherne was rhythmically punching the air and singing “Friday night, party night,” when a colleague asked her to keep it down because his head was throbbing after last night’s whiskey.

She said: “Thursday night? What the hell? Nobody told me.

“But I asked around the office and apparently Thursday’s so close to the weekend and nobody really works on Friday anyway so yeah, it seems that I’ve been beginning my boozing a day late for about 18 months.

“Everyone just said ‘We thought you knew’. How was I meant to guess that everyone’s getting smashed while I’m dutifully keeping my powder dry for the following day?

“I’ve totally lost my Friday feeling. Now I’m pissed off that I’ve got to wait six days for my Thursday one.”

Traherne added: “I said ‘What about Wednesday?’ and they suddenly got all serious and were like ‘If you’re drinking on a Wednesday night you’ve got a problem Susan,’ as if I was the one pushing boundaries.”