Is it time to stop pretending it's worth your kids going to school?

WITH most children not to attend school until September, sensible parents are increasingly asking whether it’s worth educating kids at all. Find out: 

How do you feel when they show you their spelling test results?

A) Proud as you anticipate full marks.
B) Gloomy as you anticipate spending another weekend coaching them in the spelling of ‘tree’.

What sporting trophies are you proudly displaying?

A) Swimming, football, netball and a cool one for archery you can really show off about.
B) A pathetic badge they all got for being present at sports day which a teacher handed out from a bucket.

When they bring drawings home, what are they likely to depict?

A) A surprisingly detailed image of what they’re studying, be it Vikings or tigers.
B) Stick men shooting each other. This is not good for Year 8 art class.

What subjects do they show an aptitude for?

A) The eldest is really into writing his own stories and reads voraciously; the youngest is far better at maths than me and loves Sudoku.
B) One’s very interested in documentaries about the Nazis and the other’s an expert at bullying other girls on Instagram.

When you imagine your child’s future, what mental images come to mind?

A) Oxbridge graduation photos, foreign travel, maybe even a barrister’s wig?
B) Lending them money, some sort of hippy squat in Bristol, maybe even street juggling?


Mostly As: It’s probably worth sticking with the whole school thing, even if it’s only to see your face when your beloved barrister daughter marries a street juggler.

Mostly Bs: Your children are what educationalists call ‘a write-off’. Save yourself the hassle of homework and the school run and just let them run around the garden until they’re 18.

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We're just so concerned about deprived kids' education, lie right-wing bastards

THE nation’s right-wing bastards are so concerned about deprived children not getting an education that they can hardly sleep, they have lied. 

The bastards, normally on TV making a big show of what uncaring twats they are, are suddenly unconvincingly faking deep concern for the poor, poor inner-city children.

Bastard Denys Finch Hatton, who last year wrote ‘Our proud empire was built on the labour of eight-year-olds’ for the Spectator, said: “The little ones. Won’t somebody think of them?

“Obviously mine are alright at a public school doing eight-hour Zoom days, and the middle-classes are homeschooling, but what about the scum kids?

“Sorry, I mean those blameless children who aren’t being offered the educational opportunities they deserve so their feckless parents can get back to f**king work.

“We must put them first, declare that social distancing doesn’t count in schools, pack ‘em in like sardines and hope the cherry-picked science about them not getting coronavirus is accurate. For their sake.”

He added: “And now why slavery statues are fine and protests should be restricted to the over-50s only.”