Is your dog an idiot?

THE stupidest breeds of dog have been announced, but is your imbecile of a man’s best friend among them? Find out: 


What’s worse than a half-wit? An enthusiastic, eager-to-please halfwit, determined to delight you by f**king up your whole life. That’s a spaniel, bouncing around like a Space Hopper without the intelligence, breaking your stuff and hoping for praise.


Entirely as thick as they f**king look, the bulldog is muscular, athletic, has a protruding jaw and deep-set eyes, but sadly the resemblance to the bouncer at a provincial nightclub ends there. It wouldn’t even be able to identify sports casual clothing. As a symbol for Britain? Apt.

Border Terrier

Of that special subnormal IQ that causes the cretin to believe the whole world revolves around them, these unpleasantly yappy twats cannot hear the postman arrive without being overwhelmed by the stimuli and going apeshit. Short man syndrome in a dog.


Interestingly, only able to follow scents for long distances by being such dumbf**ks they’re barely aware the rest of the world exists. Miserably-jowled with lightless eyes and stupidly large ears, owning one is an admission you need something in this world to feel superior to.


You can’t be clever with a face like that. Attempting to train a pug not to shit in the kitchen is an exercise in idiocy: you’re stupid for trying it, the pug’s too stupid to understand, the entire world is slightly more moronic for it going on.

Border Collie

Considered intelligent, but it’s a very specific kind of intelligence. The kind that’s useful on a farm herding sheep but not the kind that ever learns what a car is or why the passing of one doesn’t require a state of high alert. Imagine inviting a farmer into your home to watch Pointless. Would he do well? Exactly.

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Woman completing tax return can't wait to see how the government wisely spends it

A SELF-EMPLOYED woman completing her tax return is eager to find out how this unimpeachable government will best use her hard-earned money.

Freelancer Helen Archer confidently logged her earnings over the year on HMRC secure that every penny she pays will go towards funding the NHS, helping the elderly and providing for her and her descendants in the future.

Helen explained: “Sure, the Johnson government spaffed £229 million on Lady Mone’s shite PPE, but they’re gone. So I’m not cynical about awarding them thousands of my pounds.

“Whether they’re spending it on cutting tax, needless Brexit costs or letting Liz Truss have a go at steering the country, they’re making wise decisions that benefit everyone except striking nurses and postmen.

“And if I’m paying this much, companies like Apple and Amazon must be paying billions. It makes it easy to fork over my meagre thousands knowing Jeff Bezos is stumping up his fair share. I bet he hasn’t got the heating on, either.

“I’m not the biggest fan of tax, but so long as we continue to get so much in return that it’s practically full-blown communism, I won’t complain.”