JEREMY Clarkson has explained that his persona comes from being teased at school about his grapefruit-shaped penis.
The former alpha male has issued a grovelling apology for his personality, which he attributes to early issues with his genitals.
He said: “Imagine the sweaty post-rugby changing rooms of a boys’ public school, I’m trying to have a shower in my pants.
“Pinky Cartwright, the sadistic PE teacher, makes me remove them to reveal something that looks like a citrus fruit perched above two grapes.”
“The crueller children have grapefruit and oranges in their bags, and pelt me as I curl into a fetal position.
“Going through that you might learn to stick up for the weak and the powerless, or alternately you go in the ‘motoring journalist’ direction, building a huge fanbase by treading a fine line between being a twat and a prick.”
Clarkson said post-‘rhymegate’ he planned to spend the remainder of his days wandering the countryside, sleeping in barns and relying on the kindness of strangers.
“Perhaps I will find a little vole with an injured leg and I shall bind it for him in a splint. We’ll become fast friends and I shall carry him everywhere in my pocket.
“That is all I’ve ever wanted. True companionship.
“Not like with Hammond and the other one, I’ve heard they’re already in Frankie Boyle’s gang.”