It all comes down to having a weird-looking penis, says Clarkson

JEREMY Clarkson has explained that his persona comes from being teased at school about his grapefruit-shaped penis.

The former alpha male has issued a grovelling apology for his personality, which he attributes to early issues with his genitals.

He said: “Imagine the sweaty post-rugby changing rooms of a boys’ public school, I’m trying to have a shower in my pants.

“Pinky Cartwright, the sadistic PE teacher, makes me remove them to reveal something that looks like a citrus fruit perched above two grapes.”

“The crueller children have grapefruit and oranges in their bags, and pelt me as I curl into a fetal position.

“Going through that you might learn to stick up for the weak and the powerless, or alternately you go in the ‘motoring journalist’ direction, building a huge fanbase by treading a fine line between being a twat and a prick.”

Clarkson said post-‘rhymegate’ he planned to spend the remainder of his days wandering the countryside, sleeping in barns and relying on the kindness of strangers.

“Perhaps I will find a little vole with an injured leg and I shall bind it for him in a splint. We’ll become fast friends and I shall carry him everywhere in my pocket.

“That is all I’ve ever wanted. True companionship.

“Not like with Hammond and the other one, I’ve heard they’re already in Frankie Boyle’s gang.”

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I only want Scotland to be independent so I can destroy it, admits Salmond

ALEX Salmond has finally admitted he hates Scotland and wants the country to be independent so he can abolish it.

The Scottish first minister insisted his fellow countrymen are the worst people in the world who spend most of their time ‘either threatening to kill you, or vomiting on you’.

He said: “I can’t keep lying. It’s a hellhole filled with drunken nutters, ghastly housing estates and food that is simply disgusting.

“I’m going to win independence, bankrupt the place, set fire to the buildings and then move to France – as long there aren’t any Scottish people there.

“I want to leave this place a wasteland, populated only by scavenging piss-artists and thousands of bastard folk singers.

“Now I’ve finally come clean, I suspect I will have the backing of the vast majority of Scots, who all hate each other as much as I hate every single one of them.”

Mr Salmond also revealed he ‘loves the way Vladimir Putin holds ordinary Russians in utter contempt’ and would gladly hand Scotland’s economy to the terrifying president and his gangster cronies.

He added: “All Scottish people are sexual deviants.”