Hodgson 'has already chosen scapegoat'

ROY Hodgson has already decided who is to blame for England’s World Cup exit.

With just six weeks to go before the tournament, the 66-year old has declared that he has a clear idea of who will be taking the flak for England’s limp elimination in Brazil.

“Everybody needs to know their role in the squad, from leaking information to the press, or forming a disruptive dressing-room clique, to giving away a penalty against Costa Rica.

“We’ve got lucky in the past by coming up with last-minute hate figures like Chris Waddle and David Beckham, but this time we’re leaving nothing to chance.”

Hodgson’s choice is still under wraps, but reliable former scapegoat Emile Heskey is being touted for a recall.

Hodgson said: “The biggest challenge is where don’t I point the finger. There’s so many players I can count on to let me down, whether through incompetence, naivety, or our old-fashioned English blend of arrogance and fear, that picking just one scapegoat won’t be easy.”

“It’s important we don’t spread the blame, though. No-one wants to burn two effigies.”

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I am torn between these two lovely cars

Dear Holly,

I’m finding it hard to choose between the Toyota GT86 and the Subaru BRZ because they’re both so similar and there’s not much difference in price. How should I go about helping viewers of Top Gear decide between these two vehicles?

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Dear Jeremy,

At my school we tend to make all critical decisions via children’s folklore and counting rhymes. We also ward off contagious diseases, bad luck and death with cross-keys and use hopscotch to predict the future. Sadly I am not sure there is a skipping rhyme potent enough to cure an ageing, bitter man of his deep-seated personality problems or his fashion sense. 

Hope that helps!