It would stop murder like it has in America: Five great reasons to bring back the death penalty

COMMON sense has finally prevailed after Tory deputy chair Lee Anderson said it was time to bring back capital punishment. Here are five solid reasons why a good hanging is just what this country needs.

It would free up public money for a new Royal Yacht

For the price of a length of rope and a trapdoor, we could save thousands of pounds each year on feeding murderers and buying them colour TVs. The money saved would be spent on a new yacht for King Charles and his brother Prince Andrew. Why should the guilty live it up in prison while the innocent suffer?

It would teach murderers a lesson

Obviously not a lesson they could learn from in this life, but if they were reincarnated it would prevent them from committing more murders when they return as bees, spiders, or worms. Won’t someone think of the worms? (It would also stop them reoffending if they came back as a ghost.)

Innocent people would be hanged but we mustn’t let a few good apples ruin the whole barrel of rottenness 

It’s best to not to take any chances with murderers walking free and hang everyone accused of it. You could also hang shoplifters to stop them progressing to more serious crimes, ie. murder, as they undoubtedly do. In addition, films about innocent people who were hanged like 10 Rillington Place and Let Him Have It have been great moneyspinners for the British movie industry. More miscarriages of justice, please!

We could dig up Myra Hindley and hang her retrospectively

If anything Ian Brady was more responsible, but MYRA HINDLEY!

It would stop murder like it has in America

The death penalty was reintroduced in the USA in 1976. Prior to that, it was a non-stop murder-fest. But thanks to the return of the electric chair and lethal injections, murder is almost unheard of now – there were only two homicides in Los Angeles last year, and they were both harmless pranks gone wrong. It helps that everyone owns guns, which has also acted as an effective deterrent against death.

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Names for bread and other things Northerners are bloody obsessed with

NORTHERNERS are a proud race with strong opinions, unfortunately about things the rest of the nation couldn’t give a shit about. Here are some of their hot button topics.

Rugby League

You might think ‘rugger’ is all gilets and pints at Twickenham, but there’s a different, more violent, type of rugby up North. One where the fans don’t sing hymns about slavery and the star player is normally the hardest lad from the nearby Wigan council estate. It’s as Northern as believing lunch is dinner, dinner is tea and supper can f**k off.

Names for bread

The North is militant about hyper-local names for bread. Drive two miles down the road and you’ll find yourself beaten to death for ordering a bacon ‘roll’ in the wrong part of Lancashire. Whether it’s the ‘crust’ or ‘heel’ of the loaf is contentious, but the debate goes nuclear over names for handheld bread. Avoid using these words for your own safety: batch, cake, bun, bap, barm, bin lid, pudding, stottie or cob. Order a salad instead. If you can find one. Which you can’t.

Where it actually begins

An obsession shared with Southern ponces. The North has never been sure where it begins – for some London-centric elitists, it’s anything outside the M25. For bluff, pie-eating, living-cliche Northern bastards it’s nothing below Yorkshire. The only thing that’s certain is no one wants to claim the bombed out, identity-less cesspit of The Midlands.

Not wearing coats

A badge of honour for Northerners is their total refusal to wear a coat in almost any circumstances. On a ‘big night out’ no one will admit it’s a massive f**king mistake even while they turn first blue with cold then black with gangrene. In terms of obsessions it‘s up there with ‘How cheap pints are up here’, ‘Before t’pit closed down…’ and ‘You can’t get proper mushy peas down South’.  

Talking to each other

It’s an accepted notion that Northerners are ‘more friendly’, so forget about a moment of silent contemplation on the bus because there they are, being chatty. Making small talk with everyone – shop assistants, the doctor performing their colonoscopy, the masked intruder burgling their home. However it’s possible the entire ‘friendly Northerner’ idea is an error of perception, and in fact they just won’t shut up about the North.