We'd be f**ked without chips, admit vegetarians

VEGETARIANS have admitted their dietary choice would crumble in seconds were it not for the existence of chips.

Herbivorous people have all admitted they would be frantically gnawing on a rack of ribs, devouring a bucket of fried chicken or possibly biting into a live cow if they could not enjoy delicious long chunks of fried potato.

Vegetarian Martin Bishop said: “Chips make up at least 80 per cent of the average vegetarian’s diet. Get rid of them and we’d look even more pale and emaciated than we already are, if that’s possible.

“Have you seen the other shit we’re forced to pretend to enjoy? Chunks of tasteless Quorn matter and bland Linda McCartney fish-style fingers? Chips are the one beacon of hope in our otherwise grim and desolate plant-based lives. We’d kill ourselves without them.

“Everyone thinks it’s bacon that will break us, but they’re wrong. Take a vegetarian to a place that doesn’t serve chips and you’ll quickly see them make allowances for eating meat on dubious medical grounds.”

He added: “You never see a vegetarian order a side of salad, do you? I rest my case.”

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How to lay the groundwork for cancelling on your friends this evening

GOT plans with friends but don’t want to go? Here’s how to start laying the groundwork for getting out of them.

Mention a minor ailment well ahead of time

A few days before, casually drop into conversation that you’ve had a bit of a funny tummy, or feel like you’ve got a migraine brewing. This means that when you inevitably cancel two hours before you’re due to meet, they can’t accuse you of being a flakey twat. They’ll just think it in their head.

Give them an opportunity to cancel first

On the day, text your friend early in the morning with a lukewarm reminder that makes it easy for them to back out, for example: ‘Have you remembered about later? No worries if not.’ Hopefully they’re as antisocial as you and are sitting at home thanking their lucky stars that they don’t have to sit in a pub with you for three long hours.

Add a potential get-out that can be blamed on your partner

If they’re still up for meeting, reply equally enthusiastically but mention that your partner had to take the car to work this morning, but you’re sure they’ll be back in time for you to drive over this evening, and that the weird knocking sound coming from the engine will probably just go away on its own. 

Go silent for several hours

Don’t reply to your friend’s texts for five hours in the vain hope that they’ll think you’re throwing up or lying down with a terrible headache. You’ll have to resist going on WhatsApp for the duration or your friend will know you’re ignoring them, but it will be a small sacrifice if it means you get to stay in and watch The Apprentice.

Tell a flat-out, blatant lie

You’ve given them ample opportunity to let you off the hook, so the only option they’ve left you is telling them a massive fib. Combine your previous white lies for best effect and leave them a panicky voice note claiming you’ve just been sick in the back of a taxi after rescuing your partner from a lay-by. They won’t believe you, but they might begrudgingly appreciate the effort you’ve gone to.