It's Monday f**king morning again, experts confirm

IT IS Monday f**king morning and time for another round of this bullshit, it has been confirmed.

Citizens across the UK have been dismayed to find themselves forced to get up, put on smart clothes and go through the same rigmarole as last Monday and countless Mondays before it.

Despondent office worker Tom Booker said: “Oh god, here we fucking go again. Every week it’s the same, every week.

“I spent 45 minutes this morning looking up the ceiling questioning my life and my place in the universe before I could drag myself out of bed.”

Booker eventually summoned enough mental strength to face getting two buses into work, both of which seemed to be full of people who hated him for no reason.

He continued: “All that’s keeping me going is the thought of lunchtime, where I am going to buy a family-sized bag of Cheetos which I’ll tell myself I’ll only eat half of.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Don’t worry about Monday, because who knows what Tuesday will bring? Although to be honest it will probably be more or less the same.”

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Lack of religious education leaves pupils unprepared for life in 1951

MORE than a quarter of England’s secondary schools do not offer religious education, leaving pupils unable to cope with life in the early 1950s.

Research found that the lack of RE means youngsters are clueless when they go to church every Sunday and discriminates against the millions of British children who dream of becoming the Archbishop of Swansea.

The Reverend Jeffrey Muir said: “I first warned of this trend more than 10 years ago and was given an absolute reassurance that Mr Churchill would address the issue, but nothing was done.

“I understand he was fighting Hitler, but the war has been over for six years now and our schools are marching relentlessly towards godlessness. I’m not a fan of communism, but at least Mr Stalin keeps his promises.”

Tom Logan, a head teacher from Stevenage, said: “We teach RE by asking the children to watch Batman v Superman and Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ on their phones.

“Then they send us a Snapchat message saying which one was the most ridiculous. There’s no wrong answer.”